A tremendous love…

Our family started in November 2008. Troy and I got married at the Myakka River State Park, where we met. At that time, we thought that neither Troy nor I could conceive a child, and we had planned our life without children. However, we received the good news that we were pregnant late in 2009, and our daughter Danika was born in 2010 at 31 weeks of gestation. Early on, during her youngest years, we discussed enlarging our family, but Troy and I knew we did not want to go through the NICU experience ever again. After we had decided, we started praying every night for the “sister” that God would bring into our home and our family.

 As a child, I did not know that there were children that could live without their parents, and once I found out, a tremendous love filled me, and I had a purpose. My mother was not so convinced and tried to dissuade me at that young age, but that love was always there. I remember every year buying Christmas cards for my friends, and I would order them from UNICEF for over 20 years hoping that the small contribution would go towards orphaned children.  

Through my place of employment, we participated in the Christmas Angels program every year for foster care children, but we did not go to Diakon for any resource family information. We started our journey by visiting a different agency but did not have a good fit right away and placed our plans about adoption on hold. My coworker, who had never extended a lunch invitation, one day reached out and asked if I wouldn’t mind dropping off a donation at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care with her and then going to lunch. When we arrived, I was taken by Diakon. I knew this was it. That night I came home full of hope, and when I discussed it with Troy, he was immediately on board, especially because Diakon Lutheran Social Ministries is Lutheran-affiliated, which is the church denomination he attended in his younger years. Looking back, I would say it was a “sign,” an indication from the Lord that our purpose was there.

We went the next day to the office, and things progressed quickly. During our classes, there was a presentation on trauma and its effects on children. It was a day full of strong emotions for both the instructors and the students. We all went out for lunch and strongly considered whether or not we could deal with it. As we sat in the very small restaurant by the railroad tracks, an elderly lady, accompanied by a mid-30s woman who appeared to be her caretaker, sat at the small table next to us. This lady was probably three steps away from me and every time I made eye contact, she gave me the sweetest of smiles. Her companion was seated between her and me, so I only saw her face. Troy and I were engaged in heavy conversations about the horrors of trauma. At one point, Troy got up to get a coffee, and the lady’s caretaker got up to go to the bathroom. This time when I made eye contact, she gave me her sweet smile, and I smiled back and saw that her shirt had a Bible verse written on it.  It read:  “Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created”- Esther 4:14. Troy came back to the table and found me trying to hold my tears, and when I explained, we both knew that we were going to do this. Our daughter Danika had been involved in this journey with us since before we went to Diakon, and that night we told her we knew it was going to happen. 

Bella came into our home a few months later. Her sister Lilly came into our home nine months after Bella.

There are so many pieces of advice that we would give now that we have been through this process. The most important ones are:

1. You will never be fully prepared, and you will never be ill-prepared. This is not the labor of one or two people; there is a village of people behind these children that doesn’t stop with your immediate family and friends.  Diakon, CYS, social workers, therapists, doctors, specialty therapists, churches, neighbors: they all help! The goodness in people shines when you adopt. Friends, who we didn’t know were adopted, have come into our house to tell us their stories and to lend a supportive hand without prompting. Neighbors dropped off school uniforms (we still have to buy the first uniform for the girls), and the church has surrounded these two girls with love and support. Through Diakon and others, the support gave us a cushion we did not expect. Do not be afraid.

2. Pay attention in the classes and review all material often. Study the information, memorize the locations of resources and enroll in all parenting and trauma-related classes you can attend. We like to say that you should study as if you were going to college. Whether you have a biological child or not, parenting a child requires us to be resourceful and insightful about our interactions and how we provide guidance to the children. When trauma is part of the equation, two plus two does not equal four. What we know about raising our biological daughter does not always apply to our adopted daughters. Likewise, what we know about raising our adopted daughters does not always apply to our biological daughter. Be resourceful. Reach out for advice. Enroll in classes. The sacrifices you make in proactively preparing pay dividends when you see your children are well-adapted.

3. All children need advocates. Biological and adopted children need advocates to fight the larger battles for them until they learn to fight them on their own. We learned through this process that love, although fundamental to a child’s development, is not enough. Children in the foster care system were separated from their parents (trauma) and were placed in temporary placement. Most of the time, they are moved again (more trauma) and sometimes separated from their siblings (more trauma). Understand that your role as a parent is and will always be to ensure these children thrive in life. It takes advocating for them. It takes asking questions, being informed and writing letters, making phone calls and visiting with their team, school and therapists. It takes educating those around you. It takes being their voice because they are looking at you to do it for them. This is where the network that you developed becomes your best support system.

4. Treat the biological family with care and compassion. The children love their biological parents no matter what. They are too young to understand any wrongdoing done by adults. All they know is that they love their parents and family. If contact is allowed by the judge, form a bond with the parents. It will not take away from your relationship with the children. It will strengthen your relationship in the long term. In our experience, adoptees want their biological family engaged. Some of the family might have had problems that you and I will not face, and they probably made choices that you and I would not have made. Be compassionate and wise. You are doing it for the children and their well-being.

We had a lot of surprises during this process:  

* We were surprised by the amount of support that continues to be given to us. The overwhelming goodness of people still floors us.  

* The innocence and resilience of these children fill our hearts with strength.  

* We had always heard that there was a lot of paperwork and prohibitively expensive to adopt. I was surprised that the paperwork could be completed in one or two weekends if you diligently sit to finalize it. We did not have any out-of-pocket expenses that we can recall. If we did, they must have been minimal.

* We thought we knew good people until we met the team surrounding these children.  

* The number of children in the foster care system is very large, and some kids age out of the system without ever having a family to call their own. 

* The beauty of these children cannot be described here. We were surprised by the immediate connection we had. It was the same as with my biological daughter. The minute we placed our eyes on her, those feelings filled our hearts; it was the same with Lilly and Bella.

Things we learned:

* We learned the definition of trauma.

* We learned that a 5-year-old could be more resilient than a 50-year-old.

* We learned what it is to kneel next to a child’s bed, cry with them and guide them through prayer because we did not know how to change their circumstances.

* We learned to advocate for siblings.

* We learned parenting techniques.

* We learned to admire children for their strength.

* We learned to breathe in together, time-ins and rocking a 6-year-old to sleep is important because nobody had done so before.

* We are STILL learning…

-Written by Diakon Adoption & Foster Care parent Claudia Pankowski

For more information about Diakon’s adoption and foster care programs, please click here.

Why retiring in Pennsylvania is a good idea

When you envision your retirement, where do you picture yourself? Maybe you think of the beach or the mountains. Perhaps you see yourself in a big city or a quiet neighborhood. You can settle down anywhere without your job tying you to a specific region.

“Retirement is a celebrated time in life in which seniors can live to the fullest extent. But seniors often face tough financial decisions during this time,” says Cindy Bonney, Vice President for Sales & Marketing at Diakon Senior Living Services.

“In the tax-friendly state of Pennsylvania, older adults stand to benefit from many incentives, rebates and exemptions that can ease this stress.”

Here at Diakon Senior Living, we can help make this transition easier. We are here to provide for the needs of you or your loved one. This includes financial information, such as tax benefits, that will help protect your nest egg and stretch your dollar when retiring in Pennsylvania.

For example, Pennsylvania retirees enjoy full exemptions on all retirement income, including Social Security benefits, pension income (for those aged 60 or older), and payments from retirement accounts like 401(k) accounts and Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs). Only three other states in the United States offer an exemption on retirement income tax!

Pennsylvanians also benefit from sales tax exemptions and property taxes. Items like grocery bills, clothing, pharmaceutical drug costs and residential heating fuel are not subject to sales tax, and the 6% sales tax is among the lowest 20 states in America. In addition, property tax and rent relief can be provided by the Property Tax/Rent Rebate Program. Homeowners and renters aged 65 years or older – and widows(ers) aged 50 years or older – could qualify for these tax rebates.

Parental burnout is real…

Adolescence is a highly formative time. This crucial period involves developing important social and emotional habits for mental wellness. Adopting sleeping patterns, coping mechanisms, problem-solving and interpersonal skills are just a few of the habits and skills developed during adolescence. 

Various things influence mental health in youth. The more adversity an adolescent is exposed to, the more significant the potential impact on their physical and psychological health. The World Health Organization (WHO) explains that adolescents with mental health conditions are much more vulnerable to social exclusion, discrimination, stigma, educational difficulties, risk-taking behaviors, poor physical health and human rights violations.

ADHD, anxiety, behavior problems and depression are the most commonly diagnosed mental disorders among youth; sometimes, they occur together. Other common diagnoses include substance-use disorders and eating disorders.

Important considerations, per the CDC:

  • Among children living below 100% of the federal poverty level, more than 1-in-5 had a mental, behavioral or developmental disorder.
  • Age and poverty level affected the likelihood of children receiving treatment for anxiety, depression or behavior problems.
  • Children who were discriminated against based on race or ethnicity had higher percentages of one or more physical health conditions and one or more mental health conditions.

Consider this… before the Covid-19 pandemic, suicide was the second-leading cause of death among individuals aged 10-34.

Adolescents have a lot on their minds these days. The pressures that teens face can feel overwhelming. Here are some of the main contributors to the ongoing rise in concern for youth mental health:

  • Racial disparities
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Bullying
  • Alcohol/Drug use
  • Poverty
  • Teen pregnancy
  • Gangs
  • Violence
  • Academics
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Abuse
  • LGBTQ+ considerations

Being a youth in today’s society is by no means easy. There is something equally as tricky, though…. Parenting. The mental health of children is often enmeshed in that of their parents. Caregivers need support that can, in turn, help them support their children. Parental burnout is real.

What is parental burnout? Similar to a match that is no longer lit, parental burnout can be defined as having no energy left to give. Parental burnout is the depletion of one’s resources.

What causes burnout?

  • Trying to be perfect – there is no such thing as a perfect parent!
  • Financial struggles
  • Single parenting
  • Too many activities
  • Hectic work schedule
  • Lack of support

What are some ways to avoid burnout before it happens?

  • Take time for yourself.
  • Ask for help.
  • Enlist a partner – someone who can hold you accountable!
  • Rearrange schedules.
  • Consistent self-care – this doesn’t have to be lavish – but it has to be specific to you – it has to be something that will help you refill your cup.
  • Grow your empathy.
  • Allow yourself to feel all the feelings! – the good, the bad, and the ugly!
  • Don’t take your child’s behavior personally.

What are the symptoms of burnout?

  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Lack of sleep
  • Anxiety
  • Crying spells
  • Lack of clear thoughts (mental clutter)
  • Job burnout (for a working parent)
  • Emotional distancing
  • Parental ineffectiveness
  • Escape ideation

What do we offer at Diakon to help in this area?

We offer numerous services that can be beneficial for families and individuals dealing with the stress of life on life’s terms.

Diakon Family Life Services specializes in the treatment of mental health and substance use disorders. Treatment can include individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy, psycho-education and more. With expertise in areas of adolescent substance use, adolescent mental health, trauma, family systems and relationships, our team of clinicians brings an unmeasurable amount of training and experience to the field of behavioral health.

Diakon Family Life Services boasts varying levels of care and treatment to best meet the needs of families and individuals in our care:

  • Family-Based Mental Health Services (FBMHS)
  • Specialized In-Home Treatment for youth sexual behavior (SPIN)
  • Outpatient Mental Health Therapy
  • Outpatient Substance Abuse Therapy
  • Psychiatry services and medication management for children, adolescents, and adults
  • Adolescent Psychological Evaluations for a higher level of care
  • Group Therapy
  • Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) for adults

Diakon also offers free parenting classes using the Triple P curriculum. The Triple P – Positive Parenting Program ® is a parenting and family support system designed to prevent – as well as treat – behavioral and emotional problems in children and teenagers. It aims to prevent problems in the family, school, and community before they arise and to create family environments that encourage children to realize their potential.

~ Author: Lindsay Seeger, Clinical Director, Diakon Family Life Services, Capital Region Outpatient Services

The right time to discuss senior care…

“Adult children want their parents to thrive,” explains Melissa Stanton, the marketing and sales manager at Cumberland Crossings, a Diakon Senior Living community in Carlisle, PA. “There are certain changes that are expected as a loved one ages. The pace of life might slow. Self-care may take on new dimensions. But there are some changes that indicate your loved one needs extra help.”

Melissa shares some helpful information in this post and answers the difficult question of how do you know when it’s the right time to broach the topic of senior care?

A good time is when you see your loved one struggling to complete essential daily activities such as dressing, bathing, managing meals and medication. Or when they are showing signs of memory loss – forgetting appointments or having trouble remembering common words. If you see their personal hygiene or the cleanliness of their home declining, or they are showing uncharacteristic behaviors/moods. If YOU or another caregiver is experiencing burnout, it is time to talk about senior care.

Right now, may be the ideal time to talk to your parents about a transition plan, even if some of these signs are very mild. It may not seem like an easy conversation to have but having a plan in place can help everyone focus on enjoying the present!

Often, seniors express the desire to age in place. In many cases, this means a family member steps into a caregiving role. While this may be sustainable for a while, there is a strong chance of your loved one’s caregiver experiencing burnout. This could necessitate an added layer of help or a move into senior living. You know the baseline mood of your loved one. You know what kinds of behaviors are typical and which are concerning. If you’re noticing emotions and behaviors that are out of the normal range, this could be a sign your loved one needs some additional support.

To read more, please click here.

My summer with Diakon

My name is Maddie Freeman, and I am a rising senior at Penn State in State College, Pennsylvania. I am studying Corporate Innovation and Entrepreneurship at the Smeal College of Business. I am planning on entering the nonprofit sector to work in development or going full-time with my sustainable clothing business, Grit & Grace Thrifts. In my free time, I love hanging out with friends, cooking, going on walks with my dog, thrifting, and traveling. 

For eight weeks this past summer, I was given the opportunity to be Diakon’s corporate communications department intern, and for that, I am so grateful. During that time, I enjoyed getting to take the lead on the Family Connections newsletter. This was the main project I worked on during my time, and my favorite part of that was interviewing four different Diakon Adoption & Foster Care families. Getting to interact with them and read their stories about how their families came to be was especially inspiring.

This was my first time working directly in a large nonprofit, and it was an eye-opening experience. My previous experience was with nonprofits that only had a handful of employees, so working for Diakon was a change of pace.

I was pleasantly surprised at how helpful and responsive the staff was when I asked for stories or photos to help me with my projects, and it really did emphasize how much this organization operates as a team. Since I am interested in working full-time for a nonprofit after I graduate from Penn State, it was very beneficial for me to see a snippet of how a large organization works.

I learned some of the skills that seem to be important for a job in communications are articulate writing abilities, being organized, staying on top of projects and deadlines, and being flexible. Since I was really at the mercy of others to respond to me so that I could complete most of my projects, I learned that something as simple as including a deadline request in an email was really important for getting a timely response. Regardless of where I end up in my career, I think these skills that I was able to develop this summer will be extremely beneficial to me.

The main takeaway from my internship with Diakon was that nonprofits really are a team, and in order to succeed, everyone needs to cooperate and help one another. Each staff member is furthering the mission in some way, so by being flexible and helping one another, the clients of Diakon receive excellent care and service. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity.

A fun-loving and supportive family

We want you to meet the Foltz and Del Priore family and read about their desire to provide a safe and enriching environment for their son, Greyson… as well as for any future siblings they may adopt!

“They are truly an amazing couple and are advocates for inclusivity. They have immersed themselves in learning all things trauma-related and have taken our CORE Teen training program twice in order to better care for the youth they parent. When you get the opportunity to speak with them… you will be amazed.”  – Diakon’s Permanency Services Supervisor, Gwen Albert

Mary and Danielle have a soft spot for LGBTQ youths who are trying to find their way into adulthood. Danielle was a mathematics major in college and Mary teaches English, so they have many bases covered to help teenagers excel in their education and pursue their career goals. They also enjoy many activities that provide a fun and interesting environment, including cultural events, hiking, volunteer work and Lehigh Valley Phantoms games!

We reached out to this wonderful couple and asked them to tell us about their family’s journey that culminated in the adoption of their son, Greyson.

When asked to share their family’s story and any advice for people looking to adopt an older child, Mary said:

“Danielle and I decided to adopt because we wanted to grow our family. Like most parents, we wanted to share our love with a child, to support them as they grow into the adult that they were meant to be and experience the joy of witnessing the evolution of the life of a child. Danielle and I also chose to adopt through the SWAN program because we both had challenging teenage years and felt that we had unique insights into this age. 

Our family came to be through the wonderful staff at Diakon and supportive state social workers who introduced us to our son through the SWAN program. We met our son over zoom during the early months of the COVID pandemic…and felt connected to him right away.

Throughout our early meetings, we learned more about his life, his interests, his unique personality and his challenges. He learned about our interests, quirky personalities and our challenges, too! Over the months that we met, he came to feel that he could trust us enough to take a leap and move to our neck of the woods in Pennsylvania. We were overjoyed! In the early months, I took parental leave so that I could spend time with him, support him in online high school classes (due to COVID) and take a long walk with him every day. We shared family meals, made time to have fun together and slowly began to build our family connection.

While it took some time for us to bond after his initial placement in our home, we worked together in family therapy to forge a greater understanding and support him through his fears and anxieties. Danielle and I enrolled in the trauma-informed parenting classes through Diakon so that we could be the best parents that we could be. The first day that our son told us that he loved us was a momentous day; he worried that it might be too soon to say those words. But I told him that we too felt love for him and that we were planting our seed of love and that it would grow and grow, and it has over the years that he has lived with us. On adoption day, we all wore t-shirts with a sapling, which signifies that the seed of our love has taken root. Every day, I am so grateful that he chose us to be his parents. What a gift and a blessing he is in our lives!

One piece of advice that I would give to parents looking to adopt an older child is to take a trauma-informed parenting class; it is absolutely transformative as you think about parenting skills that will benefit a child who has survived trauma.

Secondly, I learned in this class to look beyond the behavior to the need that is motivating it; older children inevitably will have behaviors that you would like them to address, but the need is the more important thing to understand. We try to be curious about a behavior and to talk through the emotional needs that are underneath it rather than becoming angry or frustrated. Once you can identify the need together, you can begin to imagine with your child how they might get that need met without acting out. Family therapy is a great way to set up lines of communication that will be essential for parents adopting older children.

Thirdly, enjoy the ride and create time to have fun with your child as play, laughter and joy forge your bond. These moments will be the precious glue that allows your child and you to grow together through more challenging times.”

What they found most surprising:

“Honestly, I just did not know what to expect. We really had some challenging days in the early months when our son moved in with us, but, today, I don’t really remember those months vividly. Instead, I recall all of the wonderful times that we had and have together as a family. One thing that did surprise me was how committed our child was to building a family with us and the process of becoming family. Every step of the way, he was courageous; he took risks sharing his feelings, his past experiences and his hopes for our family. He surprises me almost every day with some interesting insight, intellectual idea or interpretation of a song he likes! We are so blessed to be able to witness him come into his own.”

Why they adopted an older child:

“Here are a few reasons why we were interested in adopting an older child:

First, we both have experience with teenagers (one of us is a teacher and some of our nieces and nephews are teens).

Secondly, teenagers are in an exciting time of life when they are figuring out the kind of adults that they want to be; thus, it is a time full of rich conversations about values and visions for the future. Many teenagers are eager to talk about it all: the meaning of life, what a healthy relationship might look like, what jobs they might want to explore, a college that might be right for them, etc. Because they are older, there is a wonderful opportunity to walk with them through this period of growth and dreaming. Yet they are still kids who need (and want despite teenage moodiness!) input from parents. The trick for me is to avoid nagging and instead approach their life choices with curiosity, questions about values and visions of the kind of person that they want to be.

Our experience with adopting an older child has been rich and beautiful. He has brought so much to our life. Adopting an older child, our child, proved challenging at times, but he is the miracle that has changed our lives for the better. I could not be more grateful for our son, for the family that he allowed us to have and more excited for our future years together.”

** If you or someone you know is interested in adoption or foster care, please visit our website for more information: www.diakon.org/adoption

Grateful for a second chance

When you hit a roadblock, you need to turn around and find a better path. That’s what happened to Troy Hertzog when some poor decisions built quite a roadblock to him living a typical teenage life. He turned things around with the help of Turning Point, a program of Diakon Youth Services.

Troy, a student at Columbia High School in Lancaster County, was behind on credits and had truancy issues. With his success at Turning Point, he got his credits back on track and was successfully able to join CTC (Lancaster County Career and Technology Center). In this vo-tech school, he now studies automotive technology for his senior year of high school.

Troy turned his behaviors around and was a true success in and out of the program. As a result, Turning Point paid his fines/costs in full, and he was able to get off probation.

The overarching mission of Turning Point is to keep adjudicated youths in home settings through effective and meaningful community-based interventions. The Turning Point Day Program provides an alternative academic setting for post-adjudicated males. The program works collaboratively with juvenile probation, children and youth departments, the Lancaster/Lebanon Intermediate Unit, students, families and community resources.

County personnel grant students the opportunity to participate in this therapeutic program, designed to address their competency in social, academic and work skills so that they can return to their family and community better prepared to make decisions that reflect productive and positive values.

Below, Troy and his dad John tell their stories.

Spreading joy abroad and at home

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

This Maya Angelou quote is something I heard early in my career working with long-term care and memory care residents that continues to touch my heart. Many of my residents do not remember the activities or special programs that I provide to help enhance their quality of life, but they do remember how they made them feel: happy, joyful, reflective, peaceful, calm, etc. 

It was with that understanding in mind that I spent 2 1/2 weeks in September in Zambia, a country landlocked at the crossroads of central, southern, and east Africa. The trip was possible thanks in part to Diakon’s Love of Our Neighbor Fund. With its support, I benefited from five extra vacation days and a 10-day stipend. 

Prompted to share a passion for writing

Several months before moving to Cumberland Crossings, our daughter Melissa accepted the position of marketing manager. To support her new role, I scheduled a tour, thinking it was the perfect time to do some research on retirement communities. At the same time, my husband developed a second serious heart issue (both, by the way, have since been resolved – whew!), one of which would require surgery. While he was waiting for the surgery, he was suffering from a serious case of cabin fever, so I invited him to join us.  

On the day of the tour, we drove from Susquehanna Township and hopped onto Melissa’s golf cart to tour the senior living community – she showed us several types of cottages, explained the rates, described the amenities, etc. We fell in love with the campus and the cottages, and after researching other continuing care retirement communities, we kept coming back to Cumberland Crossings as our first choice. I tell everyone that we pushed the “fast forward button” on our lives! We downsized, and we never looked back.   

Once we were settled, I accepted the role of Hospitality Coordinator on the Board of the Residents’ Association. For three years in that role, I took my marching orders from none other than Melissa, who I worked with as she brought prospective residents onto campus. When the prospects chose to join us for dinner, I would host them with other residents to answer any questions they may have to give them a current independent living resident’s perspective. Little did I know I’d be “working” for my daughter at this age!

Olympic connection

Joenel Torrillo, NHA, MHA, BSN, RN, PT, CEEAA, executive director of Manatawny Manor in Pottstown, has an extra special interest in the 2021 Tokyo Olympics. That is because his sister, Ma. Janelyn Fundal, Ph.D. of Iloilo Province, Philippines, is an umpire – commonly called referee – of the badminton tournament. Though Joenel doesn’t think his sister will “pass the torch” to him in the future to be an umpire, Joenel says he does “have a passion for badminton and has played competitive tournaments before.”

Joenel, commonly called Joe by residents and staff, has been an Executive Director/ Nursing Home Administrator of Manatawny Manor for the past 17 months, just two weeks before the COVID-19 shutdowns.

He shared a little bit about his sister’s experiences with us.

My sister, Ma. Janelyn Fundal, Ph.D. is the current sports director of Iloilo Province, Philippines.

It’s been a long process – 10 to 15 years – for her to gain all the accreditations and certifications needed to be a referee in the Olympics. She had to pass the written and practical examinations for both Badminton Asia Accreditation and Certification, and Badminton World Federation Accreditation and Certification.