Category: Adoptive Parent

Building a positive relationship with birth families (Part 2)

I concluded part 1 of this blog post: “Now that we have established why it is important to build a good relationship, let’s talk about how to do that.”

Introductions

I always introduce myself the same way every time I meet a new birth parent: “Hello, my name is Eleanor; I am your son’s/daughter’s/children’s foster mom. I’m sorry to have to meet you like this because this must be a hard time for your family. Your son/daughter/children (insert comment about a positive trait here).”

Let’s break this down:

First, I use the words “foster mom” right away—I have had birth parents say things such as, “Oh, you are the lady watching my kids,” or assume this is a paid “job” for me—so I make certain to introduce the idea immediately that I am the person mothering their children right now. We are going to be co-parenting these kids for the foreseeable future, so let’s be clear on our roles right away.

Second, I acknowledge that this is a difficult situation. Whatever has happened up to this point, there is no question it’s a challenging time for everyone involved. Showing empathy for the family makes you seem less of an enemy.

Third, in making a positive comment such as “Your son has such an infectious smile,” you establish the fact that while you are mothering or fathering the child at the moment, you also want to be clear that this is their child. As far as the compliment, well, what parents don’t want to hear nice things about their kid? Besides, being friendly never hurts when meeting people the first time.

Photo album

The first time I meet parents I show up with a small dollar-store photo album to give them. I always ask the caseworker first if this is okay—and if there are safety issues I need to be aware of.

I include a photo of our family (if safe to do so), a photo of our house (again, if safe to do so), a photo of the child’s bedroom, our playroom, our pets and so on. In the early days, I always try to get a few photos of the kids playing or eating or involved in similar activities and include those. I work really hard to make sure I have at least one photo in which the child is smiling!

I used to not include photos of the kids being held or cuddled by us (I always assumed it would be upsetting to the birth parents to see photos of their child being held by someone else) and then had one mother tell me that she was afraid her son was not being loved while we had him. I immediately showed her all the photos on my phone of him being held, cuddled and rocked and she felt much better, so now I include those photographs, too.

While children are with me, I keep printing photos and taking them to visits. Plus, I scribble notes on the back about what we have been doing and what the kids have been up to each week. If my children were not living with me, I know I would wonder what their days looked like, so I try to make sure parents know what their kids are up to.

Crafts/Artwork

If your foster child is in preschool or school, you should have an abundance of craft projects coming home. I take one or two to each visit and give them to the parents. Kids love showing off their work!

Holidays

For Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas and so on, I help my foster kids make a small gift or buy something small for them to give to their parents. Most parents are touched to receive something and most kids really enjoy giving gifts.

For the child’s birthday and Christmas I normally take a small gift in my bag to the visit that falls closest to the holiday. If the birth parents did not bring anything to the visit, I let them know I have something in my bag for them to give their child if they would like to.

I have had birth parents burst into tears at this point because they just didn’t have the extra money to buy anything for their child and are so happy to have something to give.

I once had a fellow foster parent tell me I was enabling the birth parent, but I disagree. Most birth parents have all kinds of enormous tasks to complete, which can include finding housing, getting a job, completing rehab or attending parenting classes, so having money and time to buy their child a gift can be just one too many tasks for the week.

And it doesn’t take much effort for me to pick up an additional small gift; often, this kindness will go a very long way.

Don’t take it personally

All birth parents with whom I have worked have, at some point, critiqued the way I was caring for their child. One didn’t like the brand of diapers I was using; another insisted I must be neglecting to change her son because he had a (slight) diaper rash. One mom got upset that I had juice for the child in the diaper bag, while another was concerned I didn’t have juice on hand for her to give her child.

I figure it’s not about me.

This parent has almost no control over their child’s life, so they seek it where they can. I smile and tell them I hear them, but I don’t rush out and buy a new brand of diapers or run to the store for juice boxes. Their concern or anxiety is not typically about diapers or juice anyway.

Ask the parents about their child

Parents know a lot about their kid, how they go to sleep, what their favorite television show is, what they like to eat and so on—so ask!

In doing so, you will learn important information about the child you are parenting while also acknowledging the birth parents’ role in their child’s life. They are probably not feeling amazing about themselves or their identity as parents right now, so acknowledging they know a lot about their child they can teach you will be validating to them.

Boundaries

Sometimes, maintaining a positive relationship means setting good, firm boundaries. If parents are given my phone number or manage to get hold of it and start texting or calling constantly, I politely but firmly tell them that I am busy caring for their child and we will talk at the next visit. Your social worker can help you with setting boundaries if you need to, but I often find that having a frank but polite chat solves most issues.

Sure, it’s not always been smooth sailing with every birth family, but for the most part we have been able to build positive and respectful relationships with our foster and adopted kids’ parents, grandparents and even extended family.

It has not always been easy and has sometimes involved a lot of tongue-biting on my part—but it has been 100% worth the effort!

—Eleanor Delewski, Diakon Adoption & Foster Care parent

(A final note about language: for a child who has been adopted, the commonly accepted terms are “parent” for the adoptive parents and “birth” or “first parents” for the child’s original parents. However, for a child in foster care, “parent” typically refers to the birth parent, with “foster parent” being used for the moms and dads caring for the child while he or she is in foster care. For clarity, the term “birth parent” is used in this blog post to refer to the foster child’s original parents, but I fully recognize that while a child is in foster care the birth parents are still the legal parents of the child. Not everyone agrees on what language should be used for which parent, but that is a debate beyond the scope of this post.)

A Father’s Day Reflection

As I look back on our adoption journey, I realize that our non-traditional family is happy not only because we went into the process with our eyes wide open, but also because we expected nothing from our children and yet we got everything in return.

Steve and I had been together for about 10 years when we started to think about adopting a child. We were at a point where everything was really good for us—we had a great relationship, a nice home, supportive families and we traveled quite a bit. While an infant or toddler was out of the question, we wanted to share our life with an older child.

Although we were initially concerned that our non-traditional family might face some challenges to adoption, we are glad we chose to work with Diakon Adoption & Foster Care.

Despite the fact they had not worked with a lot of same-sex couples at that point, it was never an issue for them or the children. Part of the preparation process was explaining to the children that they may go to a family different from their birth family. What they found was that we weren’t defined by our relationship. They saw us as fun—and we treated each other with respect.

Our first son was 12 years old when he arrived. Although we thought we were prepared, the reality was much harder. Fortunately, we were open to the coaching and support that comes from Diakon and, over the next eight years, we opened our home to three more sons between the ages of 8 and 12. Each of them had been placed with traditional families before coming to us, but those placements did not work out.

While Steve and I both had stable family lives and had never been in trouble, there isn’t anything we haven’t been involved with because of our kids—police, probation, trauma counseling, regular counseling, you name it. At the same time, we never made them into something they weren’t. As a same-sex couple, we have always had to depend on people accepting us for who we are, and we did that with our kids.

If there is any advice I can offer to someone considering adopting older, at-risk kids, it is that you can’t expect them to come into your life and fill a void for you. You can’t put that pressure on them. They need you to be 100 percent in this for them. That takes patience and a willingness to go through a lot of trial and error.

Our goal was to see our sons graduate high school. We taught them good work ethics and that, despite their obstacles, they could become anything they want to be.

What we found is that while it may have taken longer and been tougher than we expected, we got there together.

Wayne Hopkins and Steve Renninger are the adoptive parents of four young men who continue to challenge and enrich their lives, most recently with the addition of their first grandchild.

Adopting a teen means being “someone to stand by them”

Amy Murray has a plan, should she ever be lucky enough to win big in the lottery.

“I’d buy a big piece of land and build homes for all of them,” she says of older children who remain in foster care, waiting to be adopted. “They are at a huge disadvantage. When these kids go through what they go through, they trust no one. Sometimes they don’t even know how to articulate what has happened to them.”

In May, Amy formally adopted one of those young people.

Skylar, now 13, had a long history in foster care, Amy says. At the age of six, she had been removed from her mother’s home, when the environment became unsafe, and placed in foster care. She then lived with her birth father and his girlfriend until that arrangement became unsafe, which led to her being moved to a number of foster homes.

Caring for the medically fragile: Still just a child who needs a loving home

Becky Delp and her husband have fostered children in the past, but for the first time, they are providing care for a medically fragile child. Although she had some concerns at first, those passed quickly as she gained confidence in her ability to manage the little boy’s needs and her family embraced him.

At first, I thought: I’m not qualified, I’m not trained.

Andy* needed to be fed through a g-tube when he first came to us. He was born prematurely and spent his first six months in the hospital and then went to a special facility. He had cancer and a weakened immune system. He has chronic lung disease. He needed physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy. It felt overwhelming.

But you’re not on your own. We got training through the hospital and nursing care agency. A nurse stayed at our home every night. Because Andy was under the age of three, his therapy visits were done in our home. We got great support from our Diakon caseworker. Someone was always available to help.

Caring for a medically fragile child does entail extra steps from the foster family. There are lots of appointments. With the nurse there every night, we had to get used to having someone else in our home. But the nurses quickly became like family and their expertise was priceless. As a foster family, you go with the flow anyway.

Humble and kind

Whenever the Tim McGraw song “Humble and Kind” plays on the radio, I can feel our 8-year-old roll his eyes as I remind him that these lyrics are something I hope he takes to heart:

“Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you / When you get where you’re going, don’t forget to turn back around / And help the next one in line. / Always stay humble and kind.”

It’s important to us that Cayden understands that we have been incredibly blessed to have had so many people help us in our journey to become a family.

adopting children with special needs

Serving children with special medical needs

Working in the field of adoption and foster care for 42 years, Marcia Moll is a social worker with a master’s degree in early childhood development. As the mother of two grown adoptive children, she understands firsthand how unconditional love for a child can transform a family. Below, she discusses a new Diakon’s foster care program, designed to touch the lives of children with special medical needs throughout eastern and central Pennsylvania.


Medically fragile foster care can change lives!

A little girl was hospitalized for six months in a children’s hospital waiting for an organ transplant. She spent most of her time being cared for by the hospital staff because her birth family was not involved. The county came to us at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care and asked if we had a family who would be a foster family until her transplant. A family stepped forward. 

They had adopted a child in the past and, unfortunately, that child had passed away. This family understood that a child should live in a family environment instead of a hospital setting. 

Fortunately, the little girl’s foster parents were able to visit once or twice a week. They met with the nurses and doctors and learned to care for the child. After eight months of hospitalization, she was finally able to be released to her new foster family. The family ended up adopting her, knowing full well that her survival rate—because of her age and the type of organ needed—is less than 50 percent. 

Yet, the difference they made through their love and commitment is outstanding. The little girl is now living the life of a typical child—she is not lying in a hospital bed being cared for by hospital staff; rather, she has a family and has blossomed to a point no one ever expected.  

Medically fragile foster care: A special child and a special 

Medically fragile foster care involves a child in the foster care system who has a continuing medical condition. A child’s condition may be something easily maintained with medication and routine doctor’s appointments—such as asthma. Or it can be a more severe or life-threatening diagnosis, such as cystic fibrosis. A child may or may not be ambulatory and sometimes medical equipment may be needed for the children to live the best life they can. Although the medical conditions are diverse, the children have one thing in common: They need to be cared for by a loving family.  

The program serves the needs of county children and youth workers who need foster families to care for a child with medical needs—in hopes the child will eventually be reunited with his or her birth family.  Foster families ensure that the child receives the appropriate medical care while also offering stability. 

The families also serve as mentors for the birth family by helping them fully understand the medical issues involved. In cases in which children cannot be reunited with their birth family, we hope the foster family can become a permanent resource and eventually adopt the child. 

Medically fragile conditions arise in varying situations

In most cases, children with medically fragile conditions come to us directly from a hospital setting, often because their medical condition elevated to a point they needed hospital care. If a child is born with a medical condition, the birth parent may feel totally overwhelmed and the child may need more support than the birth family can provide. 

In other cases, some children are born healthy and medical disorders develop or conditions arise as a result of abuse or neglect.  If a child is suffering as a result of parental negligence, it may not be the goal to unify the child with the birth parent until the birth family receives proper services and the situation is rectified.  

Weencourage any family already thinking about fostering or adopting to look within their hearts to consider a child who has a medical condition. Don’t sell yourself short. Our life experiences often prepare us for caring for a child with medical needs.  

Maybe, for example, we have a family member with diabetes or asthma or another condition and we could use this knowledge in offering care for the child. But even if families do not have an understanding of a particular medical diagnosis, they just have to be open to learning. The situation may not always be easy, but what seems to help them through it is their unwavering desire to help a child. 

We are here to help 

At Diakon, we believe strongly in providing support services for all of its foster families. We offer general training that prepares a family to bring a child into their home. And for medically-fragile program foster families, we ensure they receive the proper training to care for a child with medical needs. 

In some instances, we may arrange training provided by hospital staff, medical supply representatives or our own staff. Regardless, we work as a team. We will not place a child in a home until the family members have a level of confidence in their ability to care for the child. 

In addition to training, Diakon staff is always there to help throughout the process. On a weekly basis, case managers help families organize and manage all of a child’s medical needs.

Another avenue of encouragement comes through our support groups. On a monthly basis, Diakon offers families the opportunity to meet and share concerns and advice with one another. Families often discuss referrals, doctors, nurses and how to be a strong medical advocate. We often hear that support groups are a tremendous asset to our families.

The need for families is greater than ever …

There are not enough families to meet current needs.

Counties are scrambling to find foster families who can be a mentor to birth families—which is the primary goal. In fact, 10 to 15 percent of foster children have some sort of a medical need beyond everyday parenting. But fewer than 10 percent of families are willing to take a medically fragile child. We don’t see families coming forward in large numbers, but we do see the need growing more every day. 

I want to remind anyone thinking about foster care or adoption to look inside their heart. Every family who steps forward to care for a medically fragile child makes a lasting imprint on a child’s life. We are working hard to spread the word about this amazing program that serves special children with special needs.

Foster-To-Adopt: God Knew My Heart Needed You

In this post, Lydia Carfagno, an adoptive parent, shares her difficult two-year journey that led to one of the greatest joys of her life—motherhood. She adopted her now-4-year-old son, Trevor, through Diakon Adoption & Foster Care’s legal-risk (foster-to-adopt) program. Legal-risk placements involve children and youths who are in the custody of a county’s children and youth services. Children are placed in foster homes with the intent of reuniting them with their birth families; however, if that does not occur, the foster family often seeks to adopt the child or youth.

Why Foster-To-Adopt?

As I was growing up, my mother worked and volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center. As a small child, I witnessed my mother counseling women and providing them with the necessary resources to maintain their pregnancy. When I was young, I would tell my mother that I wanted to grow up and take care of babies that did not have mommies and open my own orphanage. I remember frequently checking our front door to see if someone left me a baby to care for!

Fast forward: I grew up and obtained a college degree in recreational therapy. As a therapist, I worked in various pediatric hospitals. Throughout my work experience, I witnessed firsthand many children suffering from neglect, abuse and trauma. Each of these children made my desire to adopt grow even stronger; however I knew I was not currently in the position to do that.

Upon marrying, adoption was something we always said we would do “one day.” We struggled to get pregnant and even experienced a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy. The topic of adoption that was once on the back burner quickly became a burning desire in my heart.

It was something I believed had to happen immediately. Because of my experience in the health-care field, I was aware of “foster-to-adopt” type programs and I quickly began researching agencies.

Why Diakon?

In March 2015 we decided to take the leap into fostering and adopting. The only thing left to do was pick an agency. A lot of prayer and discussion went into our decision to begin this journey.

We had just started attending a new church. The Sunday after we made our decision, the message was about foster care and adoption. Numerous families shared their journeys that morning. My husband and I felt as if God was truly speaking to us and giving us the extra push that we needed.

As I was leaving church, I went to grab my coat off the coat rack; directly above my coat was a flyer for Diakon Adoption & Foster Care.. I pointed it out to my husband and we both took it as God pointing us in the direction we needed to go. We went through Diakon’s training sessions in April and May 2015, completed our home study in June 2015 and Trevor was placed with us in September 2015.

What was it like the moment you first saw your son?

On Sept. 18, 2015, we made the best, yet scariest, decision of our lives. My husband and I were both at work when we received a phone call from the agency regarding an emergency placement. The phone call came around 12:30 p.m. We both rushed out of work to attempt to prepare ourselves for Trevor’s arrival, but all we really did was pace until Trevor arrived in our driveway at 3 p.m. in the children and youth worker’s vehicle. As they pulled in, we could hear Trevor in the back attempting to talk. It was evident right away that he had some speech delays.

My first glimpse of him, I thought: “Wow, you’re a big guy, yet so unhealthy-looking.” We were advised by the caseworkers that we should bathe him immediately. Trevor was immediately captivated by our pets and the few toys we had. I quickly coaxed him into the bathtub, which I ended up draining and refilling three times. We had to stop him from drinking the bath water and sucking water out of the wash cloth. This is also when we discovered bedbug bites all over his little body.

Although appearing confused, Trevor engaged with us immediately. He had absolutely no verbal language skills and resorted to pointing and gesturing his wants and needs. After bathing him, we dressed him (I had some 18-month clothing) and went to a department store.

I remember on the drive there thinking, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” We knew absolutely nothing about this little human. We had no idea what he liked, disliked or feared. We didn’t even know his medical history or if he was allergic to anything. We wandered through the store for about an hour-and-a-half putting anything he pointed to in the cart. As “crazy” as it probably looked to others, it all felt perfectly right.

What health obstacles did Trevor face?

It quickly became apparent that Trevor had social-emotional, developmental and health concerns. Some were easily noticeable to the lay person; however, coming from the medical field, I knew there were deeper underlying neurological challenges.

Our first obstacle to tackle was Trevor’s limited communication. He would become terribly frustrated (rightfully so) when he was not able to express himself. We immediately started teaching him basic sign language. We also set up evaluations with Early Intervention, pediatricians and various other specialists.

In addition to Trevor’s developmental delays, he had asthma (which had gone untreated) and required multiple surgeries because of medical neglect. Trevor’s days were quickly filled with various doctor and therapy appointments. Trevor made tremendous gains medically and developmentally once he was receiving all the needed services.

What prepared you for Trevor’s health issues?

As teens and young adults, my husband and I worked with individuals with special needs.

It quickly became apparent that God was using these experiences to prepare us both (years later) for Trevor. Not only did we have some experience, but our support system also did. My mom and my husband’s parents are special education teachers. This is not to say we knew exactly what we were doing. There was still a lot to learn, and a lot of scary, uncertain times. Again, this is when our faith came in to play. Trevor had his own prayer team of more than 100 people praying for him daily.

How did you cope with biological family visits?

Visits with Trevor’s birth family were definitely the most difficult part of our journey. We made a point of communicating with them as much as possible. At the start of this process, both of Trevor’s birth parents were incarcerated. Initially, Trevor visited them in jail every other week.
Once they were no longer incarcerated, Trevor visited with them at a supervised location and then eventually visits became unsupervised. This was particularly difficult as we had very little information as to what was occurring during visits. We created a communication book that we would write to one another in.

Unfortunately, Trevor’s birth parents were unable to provide stable caregiving. As with all children in foster care, the county sought other biological family members as a resource for Trevor. This process was terribly difficult because we had become so bonded with Trevor, and he was terrified to leave us. Our Diakon caseworker, the various health professionals Trevor saw regularly and Trevor’s prayer team were our support and advocates.

What is your best advice for someone looking to foster-to-adopt?

Almost everyone we come in contact with has made the statement, “I could never do what you are doing”’ or “You are better than me; I could never do what you are doing because I would get too attached.” Initially, it was difficult to find a response to statements like this.

Now, I typically respond with “I never said I could do it, but I said I would do it.” I am constantly reminding myself that God does not call the equipped; He equips those who are called. This journey has been one of the most terrifying and challenging experiences of my life. We fought for Trevor’s best interests for 689 days.

We were assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved.

I know there are other men and women out there who have a deep desire to foster and adopt. Do not let fear and uncertainty stop you from fulfilling your calling. These children need love more than anyone’s need to protect his or her heart. No one should be afraid to grieve. What they should be afraid of is what happens to these children if no one takes the risk to love them.

Do you have any regrets?

Was our journey easy? Absolutely not! The past two years have been long, messy, hard and filled with grief. However, the day Trevor came into my life I knew what my purpose was. I promised him that day, and every day after, to love and protect him with everything I have.

Trevor has shown me a part of me that I did not even know existed. The day I became his mother (or “foster mom”) my life was forever changed. I found strength and grit inside me that I did not know was even possible. Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life for you to find the David within you. God knew my heart needed Trevor. Trevor is without a doubt worth it all!

What does the future hold now that Trevor is officially your son?

Trevor is the most strong, brave and resilient little boy I have ever met. Although there are still a lot of unknowns in Trevor’s future because of the trauma and neglect he experienced at a young age, I truly believe he will overcome any obstacle he faces.

He entered our home a nervous, timid, unhealthy toddler and today he is full of spunk and joy. He loves to explore and experience all life has to offer. He is compassionate and intelligent and has just about everyone he meets wrapped around his little finger. The future for Trevor is limitless. God has great plans in store for him.

Trevor’s adoption occurred just recently so we are still in the process of figuring out what life is like without court, paperwork, caseworker visits and the dark cloud of the question, “will he stay forever?” hanging over our heads.

We are certainly enjoying our new forever family and cannot wait to see what God has planned for the three of us.

—Lydia Carfagno

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What I really want for Mother’s Day

Dear Daughters,

Each year I love the Mother’s Day gifts, silly songs and the social media “shout outs.” I really do love them and if you want to continue doing those things, I will greatly appreciate it. However, this year I want you to know what I really want for Mother’s Day.

I want you to fully embrace that you are a person of value.

You may have experienced difficult circumstances or done things you regret, but none of those decreases your worth. What happens to you and what others say about you are not the things that define you.

During the times you experience rejection and loneliness, please remember that those times will pass. Do not perceive your value based on likes on your selfies or who sits at your lunch table. Don’t ever forget that you are so much more than what people see on the surface, so never let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t good enough.

You are one-of-a-kind and God has amazing plans for your life.

I want you to know I understand you.

Yes, I know that in the heat of the moment or when I have to say “no,” the opposite seems true. But my job is to protect you even when doing so doesn’t fit into your plans.

I will pray for you and use wisdom to figure out if what you want to do is in line with what is safe and healthy for your overall well-being. I will try to include you in the decision-making process as much as I can, but I need you to trust me. I’m not being “mean”; I understand things more than you think I do.

I want you to be genuine.

Be kind. Be generous. Be courageous. Be forgiving. Don’t ever try to be someone you were not created to be. It can be tempting to behave certain ways or say things to try to fit in, but I want you to stay true to who you really are.

I want you to know what the fairy tales don’t tell you.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no such things as perfect people. I know you are bombarded with social media posts with #Couple Goals and we have watched plenty of Disney movies and “chick flicks” with incomplete interpretations of romance.

You may be holding onto those unrealistic ideas even while you have already dealt with the pain of realizing that relationships are much more complex than a two-hour movie. Do not place all your hopes and dreams on your future boyfriend and husband; he should never be the main source of your happiness. Your identity needs to come from God and loving yourself—not in a selfish way—but in a way that allows you to know your importance in this world is not dependent on another person.

So when you ask me what I would like for Mother’s Day, it is for you to fully grasp all of these things and apply them to your lives.

That’s what would truly make this mama happy…and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries if you insist.

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MothersDay

What I really want for Mother’s Day

Dear Daughters,

Each year I love the Mother’s Day gifts, silly songs and the social media “shout outs.” I really do love them and if you want to continue doing those things, I will greatly appreciate it. However, this year I want you to know what I really want for Mother’s Day.

I want you to fully embrace that you are a person of value.

You may have experienced difficult circumstances or done things you regret, but none of those decreases your worth. What happens to you and what others say about you are not the things that define you.

During the times you experience rejection and loneliness, please remember that those times will pass. Do not perceive your value based on likes on your selfies or who sits at your lunch table. Don’t ever forget that you are so much more than what people see on the surface, so never let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t good enough.

You are one-of-a-kind and God has amazing plans for your life.

I want you to know I understand you.

Yes, I know that in the heat of the moment or when I have to say “no,” the opposite seems true. But my job is to protect you even when doing so doesn’t fit into your plans.

I will pray for you and use wisdom to figure out if what you want to do is in line with what is safe and healthy for your overall well-being. I will try to include you in the decision-making process as much as I can, but I need you to trust me. I’m not being “mean”; I understand things more than you think I do.

I want you to be genuine.

Be kind. Be generous. Be courageous. Be forgiving. Don’t ever try to be someone you were not created to be. It can be tempting to behave certain ways or say things to try to fit in, but I want you to stay true to who you really are.

I want you to know what the fairy tales don’t tell you.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no such things as perfect people. I know you are bombarded with social media posts with #Couple Goals and we have watched plenty of Disney movies and “chick flicks” with incomplete interpretations of romance.

You may be holding onto those unrealistic ideas even while you have already dealt with the pain of realizing that relationships are much more complex than a two-hour movie. Do not place all your hopes and dreams on your future boyfriend and husband; he should never be the main source of your happiness. Your identity needs to come from God and loving yourself—not in a selfish way—but in a way that allows you to know your importance in this world is not dependent on another person.

So when you ask me what I would like for Mother’s Day, it is for you to fully grasp all of these things and apply them to your lives.

That’s what would truly make this mama happy…and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries if you insist.


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I raised needed funds … even before getting to the office

This morning, as I checked my email and chewed on my breakfast burrito, I contemplated how I had already supported Diakon Adoption and Foster Care twice today.

And it was easy and fit right in with my morning routine.

That routine is simple and probably very much like yours. The best mornings are the ones I’m the first to wake up. This gives me a chance to make a cup of coffee and collect my thoughts before the day begins as I peruse my favorite websites for the morning news.

It doesn’t take long, however, for my six-year-old ball of energy to wake and come into the home-office clutching his favorite blanket and asking for breakfast. Then it’s time to pack lunches, shower, get dressed and find my son’s missing shoe while convincing him that yes, indeed, he has to go to school today.

After the traditional morning tug-of-war with my son to get him out the door, we are off to daycare. Then I head to my office on the Frey Village campus in Middletown, Pennsylvania.

I stop on the way at Rutter’s, a local convenience store and gas station, to gas up my Jeep and pick up a breakfast burrito. I arrive at the office, greet my officemates and boot up my computer, ready to start another day of seeking grants for Diakon and its many programs.

Yet my day of fundraising had already begun!

That’s because Diakon Adoption and Foster Care is a current finalist in Rutter’s Vote with Your Dollars Campaign.

By taking two minutes to log onto www.ruttersrewards.com to register my VIP card and select Diakon from a list of 10 charities as my charity of choice, every time I gas up my jeep or make a purchase at Rutter’s, Diakon receives a vote.

Voting will continue through Oct. 31 and, in November, Rutter’s will tally the votes and the charities with the most votes will receive a grant for capital purchases and improvements.

In Diakon’s case, the funds requested will refurbish the family visitation room at the York office of Diakon Adoption and Foster Care with new furniture and toys. The grant also will be used to purchase safety supplies for emergency foster-care placements, including car seats and portable cribs.

Diakon Adoption and Foster Care is a program that tugs at my heart. The children in care, through no fault of their own, have experienced heartbreaking situations and trauma. What they need most is a stable, loving and permanent home and Diakon works hard to help these children find their “forever families.” Although I am not in a position right now to serve as a resource family and open my home to these special children, I do look for other ways to support the program.

The Rutter’s Vote with Your Dollars campaign doesn’t even require money out of my pocket. I just spend on things I would buy anyway—gasoline, coffee, sandwiches, a pack of gum or a newspaper. All the program took was registering my card on the Rutter’s website and using it with each purchase. I don’t even have to have my card with me. I registered my phone number with the card and I key that number into the keypad to assign my purchase to my account.

Rutter’s is based in York and has locations throughout south-central Pennsylvania. If you live near one of Rutter’s 47 locations, I encourage you to obtain a VIP card, register online to support Diakon Adoption and Foster Care and vote between now and Oct. 31.

I also encourage you to share this information with your friends, co-workers, families and anyone else with a heart open to supporting to community’s most at-risk children.

 

Tammy McCrae
Grants Officer

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