Category: Miscellaneous

adopting children with special needs

Serving children with special medical needs

Working in the field of adoption and foster care for 42 years, Marcia Moll is a social worker with a master’s degree in early childhood development. As the mother of two grown adoptive children, she understands firsthand how unconditional love for a child can transform a family. Below, she discusses a new Diakon’s foster care program, designed to touch the lives of children with special medical needs throughout eastern and central Pennsylvania.


Medically fragile foster care can change lives!

A little girl was hospitalized for six months in a children’s hospital waiting for an organ transplant. She spent most of her time being cared for by the hospital staff because her birth family was not involved. The county came to us at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care and asked if we had a family who would be a foster family until her transplant. A family stepped forward. 

They had adopted a child in the past and, unfortunately, that child had passed away. This family understood that a child should live in a family environment instead of a hospital setting. 

Fortunately, the little girl’s foster parents were able to visit once or twice a week. They met with the nurses and doctors and learned to care for the child. After eight months of hospitalization, she was finally able to be released to her new foster family. The family ended up adopting her, knowing full well that her survival rate—because of her age and the type of organ needed—is less than 50 percent. 

Yet, the difference they made through their love and commitment is outstanding. The little girl is now living the life of a typical child—she is not lying in a hospital bed being cared for by hospital staff; rather, she has a family and has blossomed to a point no one ever expected.  

Medically fragile foster care: A special child and a special 

Medically fragile foster care involves a child in the foster care system who has a continuing medical condition. A child’s condition may be something easily maintained with medication and routine doctor’s appointments—such as asthma. Or it can be a more severe or life-threatening diagnosis, such as cystic fibrosis. A child may or may not be ambulatory and sometimes medical equipment may be needed for the children to live the best life they can. Although the medical conditions are diverse, the children have one thing in common: They need to be cared for by a loving family.  

The program serves the needs of county children and youth workers who need foster families to care for a child with medical needs—in hopes the child will eventually be reunited with his or her birth family.  Foster families ensure that the child receives the appropriate medical care while also offering stability. 

The families also serve as mentors for the birth family by helping them fully understand the medical issues involved. In cases in which children cannot be reunited with their birth family, we hope the foster family can become a permanent resource and eventually adopt the child. 

Medically fragile conditions arise in varying situations

In most cases, children with medically fragile conditions come to us directly from a hospital setting, often because their medical condition elevated to a point they needed hospital care. If a child is born with a medical condition, the birth parent may feel totally overwhelmed and the child may need more support than the birth family can provide. 

In other cases, some children are born healthy and medical disorders develop or conditions arise as a result of abuse or neglect.  If a child is suffering as a result of parental negligence, it may not be the goal to unify the child with the birth parent until the birth family receives proper services and the situation is rectified.  

Weencourage any family already thinking about fostering or adopting to look within their hearts to consider a child who has a medical condition. Don’t sell yourself short. Our life experiences often prepare us for caring for a child with medical needs.  

Maybe, for example, we have a family member with diabetes or asthma or another condition and we could use this knowledge in offering care for the child. But even if families do not have an understanding of a particular medical diagnosis, they just have to be open to learning. The situation may not always be easy, but what seems to help them through it is their unwavering desire to help a child. 

We are here to help 

At Diakon, we believe strongly in providing support services for all of its foster families. We offer general training that prepares a family to bring a child into their home. And for medically-fragile program foster families, we ensure they receive the proper training to care for a child with medical needs. 

In some instances, we may arrange training provided by hospital staff, medical supply representatives or our own staff. Regardless, we work as a team. We will not place a child in a home until the family members have a level of confidence in their ability to care for the child. 

In addition to training, Diakon staff is always there to help throughout the process. On a weekly basis, case managers help families organize and manage all of a child’s medical needs.

Another avenue of encouragement comes through our support groups. On a monthly basis, Diakon offers families the opportunity to meet and share concerns and advice with one another. Families often discuss referrals, doctors, nurses and how to be a strong medical advocate. We often hear that support groups are a tremendous asset to our families.

The need for families is greater than ever …

There are not enough families to meet current needs.

Counties are scrambling to find foster families who can be a mentor to birth families—which is the primary goal. In fact, 10 to 15 percent of foster children have some sort of a medical need beyond everyday parenting. But fewer than 10 percent of families are willing to take a medically fragile child. We don’t see families coming forward in large numbers, but we do see the need growing more every day. 

I want to remind anyone thinking about foster care or adoption to look inside their heart. Every family who steps forward to care for a medically fragile child makes a lasting imprint on a child’s life. We are working hard to spread the word about this amazing program that serves special children with special needs.

A fun way to give back… Dining with Diakon

Jill Kearney, founder and CEO of Senior Moves by Design (a division of the JDK Group, LLC), shares her views on the upcoming Dining with Diakon* event. Senior Moves by Design is a company that primarily moves older adults into senior living communities, helping them to find “treasures” and design their new home around things they love. The company also helps them to sort through their current home so items can be given to family or donated. Further, they stage houses to sell and do a full pack and unpack on moving day.

*On Sept. 28, 12 “celebrity chefs” from business, industry, and non-profit organizations will gather at Bethlehem’s SteelStacks. Offering an enticing menu of dishes and desserts, the chefs raise funds for Diakon Adoption & Foster Care Services, which serve children and families throughout eastern and central Pennsylvania.

How did you feel when you were asked to be a celebrity chef?

When I was first asked to represent my company at Dining with Diakon, I was flattered, but by no means call myself a celebrity. I have a small company with 23 employees. To think that I will be joining a high caliber of corporate heads and local television personalities is kind of funny—but I feel very flattered to be included. This event is a wonderful way to support and donate to the cause. This is my first time going to Dining with Diakon. I am excited not only to attend, but also to be a chef.

Why do you support Diakon Adoption & Foster Care?

Senior Moves by Design believes it is possible to have joyful moves and that what we do is just as much a ministry as it is a business. To me, this is an opportunity to represent my business while ministering to others. In addition, my niece and nephew are both adopted and a few of my best friends adopted children. I have always been pro-life, so from my perspective, we need the help and support from agencies like Diakon Adoption & Foster Care to make sure all children have “forever” homes.
As a business owner, why do you believe it is important to give back?

When you are building a small company, it is easy to get absorbed in the day-to-day tasks that keep your business running. To be able to take a little time and focus on something that you don’t do every day, but that makes an impact on others, is important. In fact, it is a gift. I feel blessed to be able to do it. This opportunity makes us want to do more.

What will you be sharing the night of the event? What are your favorite recipes?

For the event, we were awarded the chocolate table. My favorite food really is a toss-up between chocolate or shrimp scampi. Although I normally cook without recipes, here is an outline of my favorite shrimp scampi dinner followed by my favorite chocolate recipe.

Shrimp Scampi
4 tablespoons Irish butter
4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
5 cloves of garlic fresh garlic minced
1 teaspoon of salt
½ medium sized yellow onion diced
2 medium sized zucchinis
Pinch of red pepper flakes
½ pound of angel hair pasta
1 pound of peel shrimp and deveined

DIRECTIONS: Boil pasta by placing a tablespoon of olive oil in the water along with a clove of garlic and 1 teaspoon of salt. This allows the pasta to pick up the garlic flavor.

In a skillet, melt the butter. Add olive oil and ½ finely diced yellow onion. When the onion is clear, add the garlic. Take 2 medium zucchinis and cut them into half inch cubes. Place them in the skillet with the olive oil, garlic, onion and butter. Once the zucchinis soften and begin to turn slightly brown, add pinch of red pepper flakes and the shrimp. Toss for about 3 minutes or until the shrimp turn pink. Warm plates. Place pasta on the plates. Top pasta with shrimp mixture. Feeds 2-4 people.

Cappuccino Mouse Cup
http://www.diakon.org/dining-with-diakon-adoption/recipes/details.aspx?recipeId=2288

In closing, I am thankful for this opportunity. Giving back is certainly sweet!

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Many Hands. One Heart. Service Excellence.

Someone recently asked me about the importance of various roles within a senior living community.

My immediate response arose from my knowledge of 1 Corinthians: “Just as a body, though one, has many parts … all its many parts form one body … there should be no division in the body, but … its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

In other words, every role is equally important, every staff member critical to the quality service we provide.

The question dovetailed so nicely with our new customer service program at Diakon—Many Hands. One Heart. Service Excellence.—I felt compelled to write about it. One part of that program guides staff members toward the understanding that, no matter what our role is, we are all equally important to our mission. We cannot accomplish our goals any other way!

Naki Godfrey, a regional sales and marketing director for Diakon and coordinator of our customer service program, wrote this introduction for the program, which so well encapsulates our team focus:

“At Diakon, we touch the lives of our residents, clients, customers, family members, vendors and staff every day. Why? Simply put: We are in the business of providing service and care. That’s what we do at Diakon, no matter which service line you are involved in.

“Many Hands, providing excellent care, motivated by the One Heart of compassion, is one way we describe what all of us do each day as the “many hands” of Diakon.

“Although Diakon has always been a customer-focused organization, our goal in designing the Many Hands. One Heart. Service Excellence. program was to:

•    Help us to see exemplary customer service in new and helpful ways.
•    Provide reminders and tips on how always to focus on our customers—our residents and clients—first.
•    Incorporate a customer service focus into everything we do.

“Even the most customer-focused organizations—including Diakon—must re-emphasize a customer-centric approach in everything they do as health care and related fields continue to change and grow. Our outcomes on customer service are more important than ever.

“So … is customer service new to Diakon? Absolutely not. It has always been at the root of our culture and organization.”

But reminders of that focus remain especially important today. As is the recognition of how important every staff member is to our goal of excellent care and service.

—Jennifer Sharp, BSW, NHA, PCHA
Vice President, Operations
Diakon Senior Living Services

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Choosing Words Wisely

I am not a fan of political correctness. We have come far astray of the general knowledge that “sticks and stones….” Moreover, the limitations prompted by overzealous word-watchers can sometimes affect the ability to communicate freely and clearly.

However, I also recognize that while words may not physically injure us, they can hurt and often can rob people of dignity.

For example, I often ask students in a class I teach what is wrong with the phrase “the Alzheimer’s sufferer” or “the wheelchair-bound man.”

Know the answer?

Both phrases define people by a characteristic or condition. It’s far better in these cases to write or say “the man with Alzheimer’s disease” or “the woman who uses a wheelchair.”

In doing so we are not defining the person by a single characteristic—and are affording them the dignity they deserve.

Recently, I wrote an article asking people to support a variety of causes within Diakon. One of those causes is memory care. I used the phrase Alzheimer’s disease once or twice in that brief section, but never used the word dementia.

The person for whom I was writing asked that I downplay the Alzheimer’s phrase and use dementia more prominently. Why? Because Alzheimer’s, she indicated, was just one type of dementia and we wanted to cover the topic more broadly.

She was right about one thing. And “wrong,” I believe, about another.

She was right that Alzheimer’s disease is a form of dementia. It is the most common type of the memory-related illnesses grouped under the medical diagnosis of dementia, a term that also encompasses vascular dementia, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease and other conditions.

She was wrong, I would argue (and I did), that the use of the word dementia was better.

I agreed that we wanted the article to encompass memory concerns beyond Alzheimer’s disease, but would not agree to use dementia. In fact, I have edited out that word every time someone uses it in their writing.

I prefer the phrase “memory-related illnesses.”

For some reason, I find the word dementia pejorative, a term that negatively characterizes a person, that rings harsher than it should.

I discovered, in trying to buttress my point, that I am not alone.

There are a number of articles online, including one on a webpage that is part of the National Institutes of Health—that propose abandoning, at least in popular writing, the term dementia—which originated from the Latin word “demens,” originally describing “madness”—in favor of various other words or phrases such as cognitive impairment.

Or, I would add to that list, at least for public-focused writing, memory-related illnesses.

There is no question these diseases are harsh. I just think the way we refer to them need not seem that way as well.

What are your thoughts?

By William Swanger
Senior Vice President
Corporate Communications & Public Relations

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Ceilings and Floors

I am 47 years old and I have never owned a passport.

True, I have been out of the country to places in the Caribbean but that was back in the days when you could go on a cruise or fly to certain regions with just a birth certificate.

In fact, I had not even gotten on a plane until I was nearly 20 years old. We just didn’t have much money when I was growing up to take exotic trips overseas and in my younger years I was not much of a risk-taker. Even now, I’d prefer a trip to Disney’s Epcot over going to actual countries because I do not enjoy flying at all!

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a very wise friend who said something that has stuck with me since then. We were talking about our young-adult kids and the things they are all doing and she said, “I want my ceiling to be their floor and I haven’t even reached my ceiling yet!”

What a great way of looking at how we prepare our children for adulthood!

I have three daughters and each has a distinctive personality and a different “comfort zone.” My oldest daughter traveled to Ireland in January on a college exchange program and will most likely end up living in New York City soon. My youngest hates cities, but traveled to Barbados in the spring for a field hockey tour with her club team. I was actually surprised for two reasons that she did it— first, she has never been anywhere away from home without at least one family member and, second, we told her she could go only if she paid for it (and she did!).

I was surprisingly calm during both their trips compared with how, a decade ago, I would have been worrying nonstop.

My middle daughter, who turns 18 in a few weeks,  is in many ways the most adventurous of the three but has not ever traveled anywhere on her own.

A few months ago, however, I suggested she look into going on a missions trip to Saint Lucia through Youth with a Mission, but when she saw that it was two weeks over her birthday and she would not know anyone going, she talked herself out of it. I didn’t really pursue it with her, until I heard my friend say: “I want my ceiling to be their floor and I haven’t even reached my ceiling yet!”

So I brought up the missions trip again and my daughter had a look of longing in her eyes. But then she started rattling off the list of excuses of why she shouldn’t go.

I’ll be gone two weeks. I won’t know anyone. I’ll have to fly by myself. How will I raise the money? I’ll be away over my birthday. I can’t do something this big…

I interrupted her and asked her, “Does the thought of it give you butterflies and stir your heart every time you think about it? If it does, and you talk yourself out of it then I think you know what you should do!”

She admitted that it did stir her heart and by the end of the day, with no further conversation, she decided to go. She leaves July 30.

It really isn’t that I talked her into going. It was more about teaching her not to be afraid and talk herself out of things that are both scary and amazing opportunities. I often have defaulted into limiting myself and my kids based on my own experiences and anxiety, but that’s not what the Bible says I should do.

Philippians 4:13 reads I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

It doesn’t read “normal things” or “easy things.”

It reads “all things.”

With that in mind, hope I can also make my ceiling the floor for my girls. I want them fearlessly to take advantage of every opportunity that is part of God’s plans for them.

And maybe one day, I’ll even get my own passport.

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Take a chance!

It’s been my experience that the finest moments in life happen when you take a chance, whether it be confronting a fear head-on or setting a goal that you believe is beyond your reach but deciding to tackle it anyway.

The first annual Diakon Outdoor Adventure Challenge 5K Trail Run/Walk in 2012 initiated a series of shining moments that resulted from taking a chance, both for me and others.

I first heard of the race when I received a poster in the mail at my business, Train Yard Gym & Fitness. The event set itself apart from other 5Ks we had been asked to advertise because it included use of a high-ropes course, zip-line and Alpine Tower at the Diakon Wilderness Center after the race.

I was quickly sold on the concept of a beautiful trail run, lots of adventure-focused activities afterwards and the fact that my entry fee would help the at-risk youths the Diakon Wilderness Center serves. I pulled together a group of 10 runners and hikers that year and we were off to see what this was all about.

That first race day unexpectedly turned into an opportunity for me to take a chance. I had been looking forward to the race for months, but a few days before the event I started having hip pain and honestly didn’t know if I could run. I decided to go for it anyway and ended up coming in first place among the females.

Was I ever happy that I didn’t let my fears hold me back!

That was just the beginning of many victories I’ve witnessed at the Diakon Wilderness Center. Nearly a year later, I offered a 12-week challenge program to help people get fit and develop a healthier lifestyle. The participants were making great progress, but I sensed they would benefit from a “face-your-fears” experience to show them they could break through the self-imposed barriers holding them back from being even more successful. My trip to the Diakon Wilderness Center came to mind and I was pleased to learn the center offers a ropes course experience to private groups.

suzanne

Suzanne on the ropes course

 

Our gang loaded up for a field trip and I was completely inspired by the three people in the group who faced this challenge with the most trepidation. Jill doubted she could make two steps up the cargo net because of the extra weight she carried but she surprised herself by climbing halfway. Suzie was deathly afraid of heights but she made it to the top of the ropes course platform and felt as accomplished as if she had just summited Everest. And here’s what Suzanne had to say about making it the whole way across the ropes course and down the zip line:

“I was terrified of heights. I knew I was going on a trip that included rope bridges high in the trees in the Amazon jungles and I wanted to see the jungle from that vantage point along with my friends. The ropes course and zip-line at Diakon showed me that I could overcome my fear of heights and check the Amazon jungle off my bucket list!”

Suzie climbing the cargo net to the ropes course.

Suzie climbing the cargo net to the ropes course

 

I was blessed to witness another moment of greatness when two women who trained in my Couch to 5K® program crossed the finish line of the 2016 Diakon Outdoor Adventure Challenge 5K trail race.

The training program is designed for people who could literally be starting as “couch potatoes”; it conditions them to be able to run the 3.1 miles of a 5K in just nine weeks.  At the beginning of the program, of course, this goal often seems unfathomable, especially when just 60 seconds of running feels like an hour, but with consistent effort it always works!

For one of those participants, Betsy, “Getting out of my comfort zone was literally going from being a walker to running a 5K. I feared the ‘Killer Hill’ [our affectionate name for a particularly challenging section of the course] and running on trails since most of our training was on roads. When we crossed the finish line it was the greatest feeling of accomplishment!”

Betsey (L) & Stephanie (R)

Betsey (L) & Stephanie (R)

 

And another Couch to 5k runner, Stephanie, couldn’t be happier with her reward for stepping out of her comfort zone.

“Trying to control breathing and the possibility of not being able to finish something I started were my biggest fears of running. After training for the 5K and finishing the Diakon 5K trail race, my running confidence increased tremendously.  I’m still running today and loving the beauty of being outside.”

This year’s Diakon Outdoor Adventure Challenge on Sept. 16 offers several ways you can take a chance and have one of those shining moments yourself!

•    Maybe you run road races but you’ve never ventured onto the trail. Take that step! I bet you’ll love the feeling of being even closer to nature in the woods.  You may even enjoy the freedom of not being quite as attached to your Garmin and concerned with your pace, because trail running is naturally not as fast as road running.
•    Maybe the goal of running for three miles straight seems completely unimaginable, just as Betsy and Steph thought. If you want to go after it, there’s plenty of time to make it happen if you start now. Our training program will begin July 22. You can contact me to join us or you can do it on your own by downloading one of the many Couch to 5K® apps available.
•    Maybe you’re not interested in a 5K but you have a fear of heights as did Suzie and Suzanne. We offer an “Adventure Elements Only” option at the event. What better place to confront your fears than with supportive staff and friends around you?

The best part about attending the Diakon challenge is that you are contributing to the mission of the Diakon Wilderness Center to help at-risk youth get back on track. These teens and young adults face their fears daily as they strive to overcome their past and step out of their comfort zone to learn new skills and coping mechanisms to move forward in a positive direction.

With the support of the skilled and caring staff at the wilderness center, their goal of turning their lives around is not out of reach.

Your participation in the Diakon OAC will help them shine!

Get full details on the event at diakon5k.org.
—Maggie Wonsick
Co-owner, Train Yard Gym & Fitness
www.trainyardgym.com
maggiewonsick@comcast.net
(717) 319-4881

 

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You never know who is behind the curtain

I recently took time to visit a former colleague in one of our senior living communities. We had a wonderful discussion about “old times,” events we experienced and people we knew 30 to nearly 40 years ago.

When I left, after nearly an hour-and-a-half of conversation, I stopped at the front desk to sign out and spend a few moments with the administrative assistant/receptionist with whom I had emailed on occasion but never met.

“You know,” I mused as we spoke, “I wonder if the people who provide care” to my friend, “really know who this person is—not who he is, of course, but in terms of the history of our organization, of his role in that?”

The receptionist thought not.

“He once was snowbound at an airport in the Midwest,” I continued, “with the executive of a sister Lutheran agency in the Harrisburg region.” During a game of pool—at least according to the story, whose veracity I have no reason to doubt—the two of them decided to see if affiliation between the two organizations might advance Lutheran social ministry in the region.

It turns out their new entity soon partnered with Tressler Lutheran Home for Children—past operator of the storied Tressler Orphans Home—eventually resulting in Tressler Lutheran Services and, with the addition of years and a few other organizations, today’s Diakon.

More than that, my colleague—always an advocate for the “least of these”—diligently advanced social ministry and advocacy during his long career, often promoting justice-focused positions beyond what was popular at the time.

It turns out, I said, that staff there were caring for a pivotal leader—an unassuming one, yes—but an important leader nonetheless in our near-150-year history.

No fault or criticism is intended; my friend would be the last to want others to care about his accomplishments. Nevertheless, for me, and perhaps for you, a small lesson:

You never know the background, or the history, or the accomplishments of those we meet. So assume the best and most glorious. Sometimes those assumptions will be right.

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What I really want for Mother’s Day

Dear Daughters,

Each year I love the Mother’s Day gifts, silly songs and the social media “shout outs.” I really do love them and if you want to continue doing those things, I will greatly appreciate it. However, this year I want you to know what I really want for Mother’s Day.

I want you to fully embrace that you are a person of value.

You may have experienced difficult circumstances or done things you regret, but none of those decreases your worth. What happens to you and what others say about you are not the things that define you.

During the times you experience rejection and loneliness, please remember that those times will pass. Do not perceive your value based on likes on your selfies or who sits at your lunch table. Don’t ever forget that you are so much more than what people see on the surface, so never let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t good enough.

You are one-of-a-kind and God has amazing plans for your life.

I want you to know I understand you.

Yes, I know that in the heat of the moment or when I have to say “no,” the opposite seems true. But my job is to protect you even when doing so doesn’t fit into your plans.

I will pray for you and use wisdom to figure out if what you want to do is in line with what is safe and healthy for your overall well-being. I will try to include you in the decision-making process as much as I can, but I need you to trust me. I’m not being “mean”; I understand things more than you think I do.

I want you to be genuine.

Be kind. Be generous. Be courageous. Be forgiving. Don’t ever try to be someone you were not created to be. It can be tempting to behave certain ways or say things to try to fit in, but I want you to stay true to who you really are.

I want you to know what the fairy tales don’t tell you.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no such things as perfect people. I know you are bombarded with social media posts with #Couple Goals and we have watched plenty of Disney movies and “chick flicks” with incomplete interpretations of romance.

You may be holding onto those unrealistic ideas even while you have already dealt with the pain of realizing that relationships are much more complex than a two-hour movie. Do not place all your hopes and dreams on your future boyfriend and husband; he should never be the main source of your happiness. Your identity needs to come from God and loving yourself—not in a selfish way—but in a way that allows you to know your importance in this world is not dependent on another person.

So when you ask me what I would like for Mother’s Day, it is for you to fully grasp all of these things and apply them to your lives.

That’s what would truly make this mama happy…and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries if you insist.

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MothersDay

What I really want for Mother’s Day

Dear Daughters,

Each year I love the Mother’s Day gifts, silly songs and the social media “shout outs.” I really do love them and if you want to continue doing those things, I will greatly appreciate it. However, this year I want you to know what I really want for Mother’s Day.

I want you to fully embrace that you are a person of value.

You may have experienced difficult circumstances or done things you regret, but none of those decreases your worth. What happens to you and what others say about you are not the things that define you.

During the times you experience rejection and loneliness, please remember that those times will pass. Do not perceive your value based on likes on your selfies or who sits at your lunch table. Don’t ever forget that you are so much more than what people see on the surface, so never let anyone make you feel as if you aren’t good enough.

You are one-of-a-kind and God has amazing plans for your life.

I want you to know I understand you.

Yes, I know that in the heat of the moment or when I have to say “no,” the opposite seems true. But my job is to protect you even when doing so doesn’t fit into your plans.

I will pray for you and use wisdom to figure out if what you want to do is in line with what is safe and healthy for your overall well-being. I will try to include you in the decision-making process as much as I can, but I need you to trust me. I’m not being “mean”; I understand things more than you think I do.

I want you to be genuine.

Be kind. Be generous. Be courageous. Be forgiving. Don’t ever try to be someone you were not created to be. It can be tempting to behave certain ways or say things to try to fit in, but I want you to stay true to who you really are.

I want you to know what the fairy tales don’t tell you.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no such things as perfect people. I know you are bombarded with social media posts with #Couple Goals and we have watched plenty of Disney movies and “chick flicks” with incomplete interpretations of romance.

You may be holding onto those unrealistic ideas even while you have already dealt with the pain of realizing that relationships are much more complex than a two-hour movie. Do not place all your hopes and dreams on your future boyfriend and husband; he should never be the main source of your happiness. Your identity needs to come from God and loving yourself—not in a selfish way—but in a way that allows you to know your importance in this world is not dependent on another person.

So when you ask me what I would like for Mother’s Day, it is for you to fully grasp all of these things and apply them to your lives.

That’s what would truly make this mama happy…and maybe some chocolate-covered strawberries if you insist.

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Moms and teen daughters – she said/she said

I am the mother of three daughters ranging from mid-teens to early 20s.

These teenage years have been bumpy, with those bumps actually feeling like mountains some days. Through the years, I have read many articles about how strained mother/daughter relationships can sometimes be and I vowed to make connecting with my girls a priority.

I will admit, however, I have not always done a great job because of living in the extremes of “super-strict mom” and “fun permissible best friend mom”!

In the end, I have discovered it’s about balance.

And listening.

So I tried a little she said/she said with my 17-year old, “D.” Here’s how it went:

What do you think strains mother/teen daughter relationships?

D: Many girls struggle with feeling close to their moms because daughters get nagged and yelled at so often for things they don’t think are a big deal. Or sometimes moms say things they don’t realize hurt us. Many girls also struggle relating to their moms because of differing morals and expectations. And comparing us can be upsetting; I have had conversations with my friends about how unfair they feel they are treated compared to older or younger siblings and how they don’t feel appreciated by their moms.

M: Fear plays a big part in why moms interact the way they do with their teenage daughters. Moms often nag and lecture because they are worried. Our daughters have to realize we were teenage girls once, too! We do understand more than they think we do.

One thing I have noticed with my daughters and their friends is how easy it seems to lie or not tell the whole truth—and for a parent, that’s scary! Being honest even when it’s hard has always been something I have tried to emphasize. I know they will make mistakes. I will make mistakes. But if there is no honest communication, it’s very likely those mistakes will be repeated and cause some serious pain.

And because lying is often considered not a “big deal” by teenagers, distrust is something very common between mothers and daughters that will cause constant tension and eventually deteriorate the relationship.

How do you balance everything as a busy teenager?

D: I think life as a teenager now is very different from what it was for my mom. I try to balance family, my relationship with God, school, work, sports and my social life by trying to stay organized and get a good amount of sleep. The keyword is “try” because this doesn’t always happen! Sometimes when I know I have a busy week, I will plan out and write down everything in a notebook.

Another way of staying organized is to try to think ahead. For example, if I work Monday and Tuesday night but I have a school assignment due Wednesday, I will work on it as much as I can over the weekend if possible. And as I’ve grown up, I’ve realized having a lot of friends can be stressful and hard to maintain so just having a couple really close friends is the way to go for me personally… it just stinks when all of them are busy, but those are the times to binge-watch The Office in bed!

M: I personally feel like being busy is good for teenage girls; it means less time mindlessly scrolling through social media and overthinking the problems they are experiencing. There is, after all, almost always a dilemma of some kind they are working through. I agree with the need for getting enough sleep. I enforce that one as much as possible because everything will fall apart and their decision-making skills will be affected if they are sleep-deprived.

Organization is also important, but so is being purposeful with time. So girls: Put. the. phones. down.

What is a significant challenge teenage girls face today? And be honest.

D: One of the most challenging things about being a teenage girl in today’s society besides the pressure to excel constantly at school and every activity is the amount of expectations there are for us in guy/girl relationships. Think of it like this… a girl really likes a boy, he likes her back and they start dating. Almost immediately the expectation is that it’s normal to be participating in sexual activities and if this does not happen, many peers accuse this couple of not truly liking each other so that puts more pressure on the relationship.

There are also many girls who are not dating anyone seriously but will be physical with a boy and be publically shamed for it (in person and all over social media) while the guy gets praised for doing the same thing. And maybe the worst one is if a girl decides she does not want to casually “hook up” with a guy, she is made fun of and most guys ignore her. How is any of this fair for us girls? No matter what we choose, we are not valued.

M: Along with this double-standard, I’ll add the pressure of what these teens see and post on social media is unbelievable and cruel at times. I hope if I taught my daughters anything, it is that they do not need to date to feel accepted and they should never settle or lower their standards. That is why as moms it is vital we help our daughters recognize their value and have the tough talks with them. Be purposeful in communication, but not accusing or nag.

Ask her questions even about things you don’t think she would ever do because chances are she has done some of them or at least thought about it. Be her safe place to tell the truth even if she understands there will be consequences. And our daughters will learn from our own examples, not just our words. If we lie or gossip, they will think that’s okay and do it, too. If we don’t value ourselves, they won’t value themselves either.

As parents, we all have our own opinions on appropriate guy/girl behavior but I think we can all agree we do not want our daughters to be humiliated because they have given up trying to be accepted.   Not sure this makes sense.

What do you appreciate most about your relationship with your mom/daughter?

D: The thing I most appreciate about my mom in our relationship is that she really cares about me and loves on me. She always makes sure I am reminded that God has a plan for me and she takes amazing care of me even when I am being difficult! She also makes sure to tell me when I am doing something that is not the best for me. She’s also so fun and spontaneous with me and I love it!

M: I have different things I appreciate about each of my daughters. One common thing is that we have fun together and they include me in their lives. I get invited to do things with them and they text me throughout their days. I appreciate that they value our family time even at an age when many of their peers want complete independence and avoid their families as much as possible.

I appreciate that they do not stay mad for very long and are forgiving. And we all pray for one another. There is nothing more comforting for a mom when I might be close to tears and one of my daughters will come over and put her hand on me and just offer encouragement or a prayer. That warms my heart!

What is something you want to improve in your mother/daughter relationship?

D: I think one thing my mom and I both have to work on is listening to each other better even if it’s something we don’t want to hear. Sometimes she has a hard time just letting things go. On occasion she dwells too much on mistakes I have made that were hurtful to her or me; meanwhile, I have learned my lesson and don’t want to think about the past anymore.

M: I would like to improve our ways of communicating and yell at each other less. I try to give them space when they need it but not so much that they disconnect from me, so I hope to keep making progress with that balance. Sometimes I have to talk about something uncomfortable they do not want to discuss, so I try to wait for the ideal time and place to have that conversation even if I am ready to burst!

And we have spent a lot of time in the past few years working on self-control and respect.

What do you think your mom/daughter wants out of your relationship?

D: I believe the thing my mom wants most from our relationship is unconditional love because she wants us to be close and honest with each other all the time. She wants to be my rock and my “go-to” person…and she is! I’m blessed to have her in my life.

M: I think daughters want to know they are loved all the time, even when they make mistakes; they want forgiveness and a clean slate during those times. Daughters want to feel safe and to make sure I remind them that no matter what people and circumstances throw at them, they will get through those times and are never alone. Lastly, I think they want realistic boundaries that expand as they grow. I’m working on that one!

…

No matter whether we are moms or daughters, it is important to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. It is normal and healthy to disagree at times, but that situation doesn’t mean issues cannot be resolved peacefully.

I would even suggest discussing these questions with your own daughter. I learned some new things about the daughter who participated with me in writing this article and we are trying to make an effort to work on the weak spots in our relationship.

One day these teenage girls will be adults and moms themselves. Our relationships with them now are certainly worth the investment!

Diakon staff member and mom

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