Category: Adoption

A tremendous love…

Our family started in November 2008. Troy and I got married at the Myakka River State Park, where we met. At that time, we thought that neither Troy nor I could conceive a child, and we had planned our life without children. However, we received the good news that we were pregnant late in 2009, and our daughter Danika was born in 2010 at 31 weeks of gestation. Early on, during her youngest years, we discussed enlarging our family, but Troy and I knew we did not want to go through the NICU experience ever again. After we had decided, we started praying every night for the “sister” that God would bring into our home and our family.

 As a child, I did not know that there were children that could live without their parents, and once I found out, a tremendous love filled me, and I had a purpose. My mother was not so convinced and tried to dissuade me at that young age, but that love was always there. I remember every year buying Christmas cards for my friends, and I would order them from UNICEF for over 20 years hoping that the small contribution would go towards orphaned children.  

Through my place of employment, we participated in the Christmas Angels program every year for foster care children, but we did not go to Diakon for any resource family information. We started our journey by visiting a different agency but did not have a good fit right away and placed our plans about adoption on hold. My coworker, who had never extended a lunch invitation, one day reached out and asked if I wouldn’t mind dropping off a donation at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care with her and then going to lunch. When we arrived, I was taken by Diakon. I knew this was it. That night I came home full of hope, and when I discussed it with Troy, he was immediately on board, especially because Diakon Lutheran Social Ministries is Lutheran-affiliated, which is the church denomination he attended in his younger years. Looking back, I would say it was a “sign,” an indication from the Lord that our purpose was there.

We went the next day to the office, and things progressed quickly. During our classes, there was a presentation on trauma and its effects on children. It was a day full of strong emotions for both the instructors and the students. We all went out for lunch and strongly considered whether or not we could deal with it. As we sat in the very small restaurant by the railroad tracks, an elderly lady, accompanied by a mid-30s woman who appeared to be her caretaker, sat at the small table next to us. This lady was probably three steps away from me and every time I made eye contact, she gave me the sweetest of smiles. Her companion was seated between her and me, so I only saw her face. Troy and I were engaged in heavy conversations about the horrors of trauma. At one point, Troy got up to get a coffee, and the lady’s caretaker got up to go to the bathroom. This time when I made eye contact, she gave me her sweet smile, and I smiled back and saw that her shirt had a Bible verse written on it.  It read:  “Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created”- Esther 4:14. Troy came back to the table and found me trying to hold my tears, and when I explained, we both knew that we were going to do this. Our daughter Danika had been involved in this journey with us since before we went to Diakon, and that night we told her we knew it was going to happen. 

Bella came into our home a few months later. Her sister Lilly came into our home nine months after Bella.

There are so many pieces of advice that we would give now that we have been through this process. The most important ones are:

1. You will never be fully prepared, and you will never be ill-prepared. This is not the labor of one or two people; there is a village of people behind these children that doesn’t stop with your immediate family and friends.  Diakon, CYS, social workers, therapists, doctors, specialty therapists, churches, neighbors: they all help! The goodness in people shines when you adopt. Friends, who we didn’t know were adopted, have come into our house to tell us their stories and to lend a supportive hand without prompting. Neighbors dropped off school uniforms (we still have to buy the first uniform for the girls), and the church has surrounded these two girls with love and support. Through Diakon and others, the support gave us a cushion we did not expect. Do not be afraid.

2. Pay attention in the classes and review all material often. Study the information, memorize the locations of resources and enroll in all parenting and trauma-related classes you can attend. We like to say that you should study as if you were going to college. Whether you have a biological child or not, parenting a child requires us to be resourceful and insightful about our interactions and how we provide guidance to the children. When trauma is part of the equation, two plus two does not equal four. What we know about raising our biological daughter does not always apply to our adopted daughters. Likewise, what we know about raising our adopted daughters does not always apply to our biological daughter. Be resourceful. Reach out for advice. Enroll in classes. The sacrifices you make in proactively preparing pay dividends when you see your children are well-adapted.

3. All children need advocates. Biological and adopted children need advocates to fight the larger battles for them until they learn to fight them on their own. We learned through this process that love, although fundamental to a child’s development, is not enough. Children in the foster care system were separated from their parents (trauma) and were placed in temporary placement. Most of the time, they are moved again (more trauma) and sometimes separated from their siblings (more trauma). Understand that your role as a parent is and will always be to ensure these children thrive in life. It takes advocating for them. It takes asking questions, being informed and writing letters, making phone calls and visiting with their team, school and therapists. It takes educating those around you. It takes being their voice because they are looking at you to do it for them. This is where the network that you developed becomes your best support system.

4. Treat the biological family with care and compassion. The children love their biological parents no matter what. They are too young to understand any wrongdoing done by adults. All they know is that they love their parents and family. If contact is allowed by the judge, form a bond with the parents. It will not take away from your relationship with the children. It will strengthen your relationship in the long term. In our experience, adoptees want their biological family engaged. Some of the family might have had problems that you and I will not face, and they probably made choices that you and I would not have made. Be compassionate and wise. You are doing it for the children and their well-being.

We had a lot of surprises during this process:  

* We were surprised by the amount of support that continues to be given to us. The overwhelming goodness of people still floors us.  

* The innocence and resilience of these children fill our hearts with strength.  

* We had always heard that there was a lot of paperwork and prohibitively expensive to adopt. I was surprised that the paperwork could be completed in one or two weekends if you diligently sit to finalize it. We did not have any out-of-pocket expenses that we can recall. If we did, they must have been minimal.

* We thought we knew good people until we met the team surrounding these children.  

* The number of children in the foster care system is very large, and some kids age out of the system without ever having a family to call their own. 

* The beauty of these children cannot be described here. We were surprised by the immediate connection we had. It was the same as with my biological daughter. The minute we placed our eyes on her, those feelings filled our hearts; it was the same with Lilly and Bella.

Things we learned:

* We learned the definition of trauma.

* We learned that a 5-year-old could be more resilient than a 50-year-old.

* We learned what it is to kneel next to a child’s bed, cry with them and guide them through prayer because we did not know how to change their circumstances.

* We learned to advocate for siblings.

* We learned parenting techniques.

* We learned to admire children for their strength.

* We learned to breathe in together, time-ins and rocking a 6-year-old to sleep is important because nobody had done so before.

* We are STILL learning…

-Written by Diakon Adoption & Foster Care parent Claudia Pankowski

For more information about Diakon’s adoption and foster care programs, please click here.

Parental burnout is real…

Adolescence is a highly formative time. This crucial period involves developing important social and emotional habits for mental wellness. Adopting sleeping patterns, coping mechanisms, problem-solving and interpersonal skills are just a few of the habits and skills developed during adolescence. 

Various things influence mental health in youth. The more adversity an adolescent is exposed to, the more significant the potential impact on their physical and psychological health. The World Health Organization (WHO) explains that adolescents with mental health conditions are much more vulnerable to social exclusion, discrimination, stigma, educational difficulties, risk-taking behaviors, poor physical health and human rights violations.

ADHD, anxiety, behavior problems and depression are the most commonly diagnosed mental disorders among youth; sometimes, they occur together. Other common diagnoses include substance-use disorders and eating disorders.

Important considerations, per the CDC:

  • Among children living below 100% of the federal poverty level, more than 1-in-5 had a mental, behavioral or developmental disorder.
  • Age and poverty level affected the likelihood of children receiving treatment for anxiety, depression or behavior problems.
  • Children who were discriminated against based on race or ethnicity had higher percentages of one or more physical health conditions and one or more mental health conditions.

Consider this… before the Covid-19 pandemic, suicide was the second-leading cause of death among individuals aged 10-34.

Adolescents have a lot on their minds these days. The pressures that teens face can feel overwhelming. Here are some of the main contributors to the ongoing rise in concern for youth mental health:

  • Racial disparities
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Bullying
  • Alcohol/Drug use
  • Poverty
  • Teen pregnancy
  • Gangs
  • Violence
  • Academics
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Abuse
  • LGBTQ+ considerations

Being a youth in today’s society is by no means easy. There is something equally as tricky, though…. Parenting. The mental health of children is often enmeshed in that of their parents. Caregivers need support that can, in turn, help them support their children. Parental burnout is real.

What is parental burnout? Similar to a match that is no longer lit, parental burnout can be defined as having no energy left to give. Parental burnout is the depletion of one’s resources.

What causes burnout?

  • Trying to be perfect – there is no such thing as a perfect parent!
  • Financial struggles
  • Single parenting
  • Too many activities
  • Hectic work schedule
  • Lack of support

What are some ways to avoid burnout before it happens?

  • Take time for yourself.
  • Ask for help.
  • Enlist a partner – someone who can hold you accountable!
  • Rearrange schedules.
  • Consistent self-care – this doesn’t have to be lavish – but it has to be specific to you – it has to be something that will help you refill your cup.
  • Grow your empathy.
  • Allow yourself to feel all the feelings! – the good, the bad, and the ugly!
  • Don’t take your child’s behavior personally.

What are the symptoms of burnout?

  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Lack of sleep
  • Anxiety
  • Crying spells
  • Lack of clear thoughts (mental clutter)
  • Job burnout (for a working parent)
  • Emotional distancing
  • Parental ineffectiveness
  • Escape ideation

What do we offer at Diakon to help in this area?

We offer numerous services that can be beneficial for families and individuals dealing with the stress of life on life’s terms.

Diakon Family Life Services specializes in the treatment of mental health and substance use disorders. Treatment can include individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy, psycho-education and more. With expertise in areas of adolescent substance use, adolescent mental health, trauma, family systems and relationships, our team of clinicians brings an unmeasurable amount of training and experience to the field of behavioral health.

Diakon Family Life Services boasts varying levels of care and treatment to best meet the needs of families and individuals in our care:

  • Family-Based Mental Health Services (FBMHS)
  • Specialized In-Home Treatment for youth sexual behavior (SPIN)
  • Outpatient Mental Health Therapy
  • Outpatient Substance Abuse Therapy
  • Psychiatry services and medication management for children, adolescents, and adults
  • Adolescent Psychological Evaluations for a higher level of care
  • Group Therapy
  • Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) for adults

Diakon also offers free parenting classes using the Triple P curriculum. The Triple P – Positive Parenting Program ® is a parenting and family support system designed to prevent – as well as treat – behavioral and emotional problems in children and teenagers. It aims to prevent problems in the family, school, and community before they arise and to create family environments that encourage children to realize their potential.

~ Author: Lindsay Seeger, Clinical Director, Diakon Family Life Services, Capital Region Outpatient Services

A fun-loving and supportive family

We want you to meet the Foltz and Del Priore family and read about their desire to provide a safe and enriching environment for their son, Greyson… as well as for any future siblings they may adopt!

“They are truly an amazing couple and are advocates for inclusivity. They have immersed themselves in learning all things trauma-related and have taken our CORE Teen training program twice in order to better care for the youth they parent. When you get the opportunity to speak with them… you will be amazed.”  – Diakon’s Permanency Services Supervisor, Gwen Albert

Mary and Danielle have a soft spot for LGBTQ youths who are trying to find their way into adulthood. Danielle was a mathematics major in college and Mary teaches English, so they have many bases covered to help teenagers excel in their education and pursue their career goals. They also enjoy many activities that provide a fun and interesting environment, including cultural events, hiking, volunteer work and Lehigh Valley Phantoms games!

We reached out to this wonderful couple and asked them to tell us about their family’s journey that culminated in the adoption of their son, Greyson.

When asked to share their family’s story and any advice for people looking to adopt an older child, Mary said:

“Danielle and I decided to adopt because we wanted to grow our family. Like most parents, we wanted to share our love with a child, to support them as they grow into the adult that they were meant to be and experience the joy of witnessing the evolution of the life of a child. Danielle and I also chose to adopt through the SWAN program because we both had challenging teenage years and felt that we had unique insights into this age. 

Our family came to be through the wonderful staff at Diakon and supportive state social workers who introduced us to our son through the SWAN program. We met our son over zoom during the early months of the COVID pandemic…and felt connected to him right away.

Throughout our early meetings, we learned more about his life, his interests, his unique personality and his challenges. He learned about our interests, quirky personalities and our challenges, too! Over the months that we met, he came to feel that he could trust us enough to take a leap and move to our neck of the woods in Pennsylvania. We were overjoyed! In the early months, I took parental leave so that I could spend time with him, support him in online high school classes (due to COVID) and take a long walk with him every day. We shared family meals, made time to have fun together and slowly began to build our family connection.

While it took some time for us to bond after his initial placement in our home, we worked together in family therapy to forge a greater understanding and support him through his fears and anxieties. Danielle and I enrolled in the trauma-informed parenting classes through Diakon so that we could be the best parents that we could be. The first day that our son told us that he loved us was a momentous day; he worried that it might be too soon to say those words. But I told him that we too felt love for him and that we were planting our seed of love and that it would grow and grow, and it has over the years that he has lived with us. On adoption day, we all wore t-shirts with a sapling, which signifies that the seed of our love has taken root. Every day, I am so grateful that he chose us to be his parents. What a gift and a blessing he is in our lives!

One piece of advice that I would give to parents looking to adopt an older child is to take a trauma-informed parenting class; it is absolutely transformative as you think about parenting skills that will benefit a child who has survived trauma.

Secondly, I learned in this class to look beyond the behavior to the need that is motivating it; older children inevitably will have behaviors that you would like them to address, but the need is the more important thing to understand. We try to be curious about a behavior and to talk through the emotional needs that are underneath it rather than becoming angry or frustrated. Once you can identify the need together, you can begin to imagine with your child how they might get that need met without acting out. Family therapy is a great way to set up lines of communication that will be essential for parents adopting older children.

Thirdly, enjoy the ride and create time to have fun with your child as play, laughter and joy forge your bond. These moments will be the precious glue that allows your child and you to grow together through more challenging times.”

What they found most surprising:

“Honestly, I just did not know what to expect. We really had some challenging days in the early months when our son moved in with us, but, today, I don’t really remember those months vividly. Instead, I recall all of the wonderful times that we had and have together as a family. One thing that did surprise me was how committed our child was to building a family with us and the process of becoming family. Every step of the way, he was courageous; he took risks sharing his feelings, his past experiences and his hopes for our family. He surprises me almost every day with some interesting insight, intellectual idea or interpretation of a song he likes! We are so blessed to be able to witness him come into his own.”

Why they adopted an older child:

“Here are a few reasons why we were interested in adopting an older child:

First, we both have experience with teenagers (one of us is a teacher and some of our nieces and nephews are teens).

Secondly, teenagers are in an exciting time of life when they are figuring out the kind of adults that they want to be; thus, it is a time full of rich conversations about values and visions for the future. Many teenagers are eager to talk about it all: the meaning of life, what a healthy relationship might look like, what jobs they might want to explore, a college that might be right for them, etc. Because they are older, there is a wonderful opportunity to walk with them through this period of growth and dreaming. Yet they are still kids who need (and want despite teenage moodiness!) input from parents. The trick for me is to avoid nagging and instead approach their life choices with curiosity, questions about values and visions of the kind of person that they want to be.

Our experience with adopting an older child has been rich and beautiful. He has brought so much to our life. Adopting an older child, our child, proved challenging at times, but he is the miracle that has changed our lives for the better. I could not be more grateful for our son, for the family that he allowed us to have and more excited for our future years together.”

** If you or someone you know is interested in adoption or foster care, please visit our website for more information: www.diakon.org/adoption

Don’t let your “but” stop you

Cayden Roth, 12, launched a fundraising campaign from mid-January to mid-February, netting $2,000 for Diakon Adoption & Foster Care and the Diakon Youth Scholarship fund.

Cayden was placed with his forever family, Lori and Stephen Roth, through Diakon at 13 months; his adoption was finalized in 2011. 

“Cayden has a history of fundraising for our program and donating other supplies to our children in care,” says Joyce Riche, M.A., director of permanency services at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care’s Topton office.

In commemoration of the 10-year anniversary of his adoption finalization, Cayden had wanted to donate some of his own money to Diakon. He and his mother discussed the idea and decided that if he invested some of his own money, he could make enough to donate even more. So he used $250 to buy 25 signs. He sold all of them, for a total of $500, within a half-hour of his initial Facebook post. He then bought 100 more to sell. Cayden did most of the delivery and installation of the signs himself. The signs proclaimed: “You Are Loved – Happy Valentine’s Day!” and “Foster Love” with a pair of cupids.

Recently, Scott Habecker, Diakon president/CEO,  hosted Cayden and his mother for a thank-you lunch. Below, Cayden recounts their discussion.

​One of the good things Scott and I talked about was the importance of stewardship. When you’re in charge of collecting money to help someone else, you have to be mindful that most of the money collected goes to help who you want to help.

What support comes with adopting in Pennsylvania?

In Pennsylvania, there are more children and youths with special needs waiting to be adopted than children adopted through traditional programs. Yet the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has a lot of support in place, from financial assistance to continuing advocacy and counseling to help make these adoptions not only feasible but also extremely rewarding. 

In addition to its direct service, Diakon manages Pennsylvania’s Statewide Adoption & Permanency Network (SWAN), a network of robust support from the many groups and individuals involved in foster care and adoption.

Every child deserves an advocate

​AJ came into our home Dec. 14 of last year, so it wasn’t quite yet Christmas, but he was our most wonderful gift nonetheless.

In fact, he had claimed a place in our hearts even before he arrived in our home.

​My husband, Alan, and I were open to fostering a child with mild needs. Our two oldest children have epilepsy and we have seen firsthand the importance of parent advocacy. However, we didn’t want to take on too much.

​Then came AJ. He is a medically fragile child with cystic fibrosis who was born very prematurely and has a gastric tube.

​AJ, 3, lived in the hospital until he came to live with us at our home in New Freedom, York County. It was heartbreaking. 

Kinship care provides safe, familiar environment

We are now a family with five children between the ages of 18 months and 14 years. There is always something going on and we could not be happier!

But how did this occur, particularly since three of those children are my nieces and a nephew?

Kinship care.

Life changed for the better for these three children when kinship care came into play.

Kinship care involves finding relatives to care for a child or children removed from their home for varying reasons. The goal often is to return the child to the home if safe to do so.

Defeat? No way! Adoption and foster care proceed despite pandemic

It’s been a tough year for everyone. But imagine, during this pandemic, trying to find families for thousands of children and youths across the nation without a safe, permanent place to live.

That task seems unsurmountable; I can tell you it’s not.

As a family support specialist with Diakon Adoption & Foster Care, I know it’s possible to bring permanence to the lives of waiting children despite the added challenges of COVID-19—because I see it happening.

Through foster care, foster-to-adopt (often called legal-risk placements) and special needs and domestic adoption, we continue to find forever families for children and youths.

Becoming a parent was like Christmas for me

I always wanted to be a mom.

As children, my sister and I would pretend to be pregnant, placing balls under our shirts. As a fourth-grade teacher, I saw my future child in my students. And following marriage, I dreamed about what it would be like to be a parent.

Despite those dreams, we were unable to conceive and then an emergency hysterectomy forced me to face a truth—if I wanted to be a mom, I would have to take a different path.

Although many foster and adoptive parents have children born to them, for some of us these services offer a means not only to help children but also to become the parents they need and we want to be.

Allowing a different story to take shape …

Dan and I married 17 years ago, when I was newly out of college. I graduated in December of that year with an education degree. Being mid-school year, it was difficult for me to find a full-time teaching job.

At that time, there was a family from our church adopting a sibling group who needed child care. I became their nanny during the day—my first experience working directly with children in the foster-care system.

I believe God used this experience to foreshadow an intended story, one very different from Dan’s and my own plans.

They were great kids and I loved my time with them. In the evenings, Dan and I would have conversations about doing something similar, welcoming a sibling group into our home someday.

We decided to start a family but five years passed before I became pregnant with our first son. Because of continuing challenges with conception, we believed God was telling us to close that door.

We moved on and started to consider adoption again. We researched, prayed and both felt called by God to foster a sibling group. It broke our hearts to hear about siblings not being able to be together. Both Dan and I had siblings growing up and are still close to them. We went through classes, interviews and a home study. After that home study, I apologized to Dan for being cranky and exhausted. It turns out I was pregnant with our second son.

God had pressed the pause button on foster care.

After our second son was born, we moved to Pennsylvania so Dan could finish his dissertation and earn his doctorate. Once settled, we felt God was telling us to press “un-pause” and we did. We included the boys in our conversations about fostering siblings and possible adoption.

They were excited about it.

We have friends at church with four kids, three of whom became part of the family through foster-adopt with Diakon Adoption & Foster Care, so we reached out to Diakon to begin classes.

We planned to seek two foster two girls, no older than 5. We got several phone calls over six months. During that time, one of those phone calls was to provide respite care for a sibling group of three, two girls and a boy, ages 6 through 18 months. It was just for five days, so we said sure!

The way they interacted with our boys showed us that limiting our foster-care choice to under age 5 wasn’t necessary (another nudge from God to allow Him to write our story).

After that respite placement, we contacted Diakon and increased our age limit. Shortly after that, we received a phone call about two girls, ages 7 and 3. They are now our adopted daughters.

Yet God’s story had another unexpected chapter. A Diakon adoption specialist contacted us nearly two years later and told us the girls’ birth mother was pregnant again and asked us to be a resource family for this newborn. How could we resist? Their baby brother was born and he is now our adopted son.

God just wrote our story so perfectly. Flexibility is so important. We learned it wasn’t about us growing our family; it was about meeting the needs of these kids.

We learned not to try to control every detail and to allow God to direct us. That story is so much better than how you might want to write it yourself.

—Trista Herrlin