Tag: birth mom

Building a positive relationship with birth families (Part 2)

I concluded part 1 of this blog post: “Now that we have established why it is important to build a good relationship, let’s talk about how to do that.”

Introductions

I always introduce myself the same way every time I meet a new birth parent: “Hello, my name is Eleanor; I am your son’s/daughter’s/children’s foster mom. I’m sorry to have to meet you like this because this must be a hard time for your family. Your son/daughter/children (insert comment about a positive trait here).”

Let’s break this down:

First, I use the words “foster mom” right away—I have had birth parents say things such as, “Oh, you are the lady watching my kids,” or assume this is a paid “job” for me—so I make certain to introduce the idea immediately that I am the person mothering their children right now. We are going to be co-parenting these kids for the foreseeable future, so let’s be clear on our roles right away.

Second, I acknowledge that this is a difficult situation. Whatever has happened up to this point, there is no question it’s a challenging time for everyone involved. Showing empathy for the family makes you seem less of an enemy.

Third, in making a positive comment such as “Your son has such an infectious smile,” you establish the fact that while you are mothering or fathering the child at the moment, you also want to be clear that this is their child. As far as the compliment, well, what parents don’t want to hear nice things about their kid? Besides, being friendly never hurts when meeting people the first time.

Photo album

The first time I meet parents I show up with a small dollar-store photo album to give them. I always ask the caseworker first if this is okay—and if there are safety issues I need to be aware of.

I include a photo of our family (if safe to do so), a photo of our house (again, if safe to do so), a photo of the child’s bedroom, our playroom, our pets and so on. In the early days, I always try to get a few photos of the kids playing or eating or involved in similar activities and include those. I work really hard to make sure I have at least one photo in which the child is smiling!

I used to not include photos of the kids being held or cuddled by us (I always assumed it would be upsetting to the birth parents to see photos of their child being held by someone else) and then had one mother tell me that she was afraid her son was not being loved while we had him. I immediately showed her all the photos on my phone of him being held, cuddled and rocked and she felt much better, so now I include those photographs, too.

While children are with me, I keep printing photos and taking them to visits. Plus, I scribble notes on the back about what we have been doing and what the kids have been up to each week. If my children were not living with me, I know I would wonder what their days looked like, so I try to make sure parents know what their kids are up to.

Crafts/Artwork

If your foster child is in preschool or school, you should have an abundance of craft projects coming home. I take one or two to each visit and give them to the parents. Kids love showing off their work!

Holidays

For Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas and so on, I help my foster kids make a small gift or buy something small for them to give to their parents. Most parents are touched to receive something and most kids really enjoy giving gifts.

For the child’s birthday and Christmas I normally take a small gift in my bag to the visit that falls closest to the holiday. If the birth parents did not bring anything to the visit, I let them know I have something in my bag for them to give their child if they would like to.

I have had birth parents burst into tears at this point because they just didn’t have the extra money to buy anything for their child and are so happy to have something to give.

I once had a fellow foster parent tell me I was enabling the birth parent, but I disagree. Most birth parents have all kinds of enormous tasks to complete, which can include finding housing, getting a job, completing rehab or attending parenting classes, so having money and time to buy their child a gift can be just one too many tasks for the week.

And it doesn’t take much effort for me to pick up an additional small gift; often, this kindness will go a very long way.

Don’t take it personally

All birth parents with whom I have worked have, at some point, critiqued the way I was caring for their child. One didn’t like the brand of diapers I was using; another insisted I must be neglecting to change her son because he had a (slight) diaper rash. One mom got upset that I had juice for the child in the diaper bag, while another was concerned I didn’t have juice on hand for her to give her child.

I figure it’s not about me.

This parent has almost no control over their child’s life, so they seek it where they can. I smile and tell them I hear them, but I don’t rush out and buy a new brand of diapers or run to the store for juice boxes. Their concern or anxiety is not typically about diapers or juice anyway.

Ask the parents about their child

Parents know a lot about their kid, how they go to sleep, what their favorite television show is, what they like to eat and so on—so ask!

In doing so, you will learn important information about the child you are parenting while also acknowledging the birth parents’ role in their child’s life. They are probably not feeling amazing about themselves or their identity as parents right now, so acknowledging they know a lot about their child they can teach you will be validating to them.

Boundaries

Sometimes, maintaining a positive relationship means setting good, firm boundaries. If parents are given my phone number or manage to get hold of it and start texting or calling constantly, I politely but firmly tell them that I am busy caring for their child and we will talk at the next visit. Your social worker can help you with setting boundaries if you need to, but I often find that having a frank but polite chat solves most issues.

Sure, it’s not always been smooth sailing with every birth family, but for the most part we have been able to build positive and respectful relationships with our foster and adopted kids’ parents, grandparents and even extended family.

It has not always been easy and has sometimes involved a lot of tongue-biting on my part—but it has been 100% worth the effort!

—Eleanor Delewski, Diakon Adoption & Foster Care parent

(A final note about language: for a child who has been adopted, the commonly accepted terms are “parent” for the adoptive parents and “birth” or “first parents” for the child’s original parents. However, for a child in foster care, “parent” typically refers to the birth parent, with “foster parent” being used for the moms and dads caring for the child while he or she is in foster care. For clarity, the term “birth parent” is used in this blog post to refer to the foster child’s original parents, but I fully recognize that while a child is in foster care the birth parents are still the legal parents of the child. Not everyone agrees on what language should be used for which parent, but that is a debate beyond the scope of this post.)

Why foster families need to build positive relationships with birth families

When I recently dropped my foster kids off for their visit with their birth parents, my toddler was excited. He had a new doll he wanted to show his mother and father.

When his parents arrived, he ran to them and proudly showed them his new toy. His dad picked him up and showered him with hugs and kisses. The little guy kissed his dad back and then reached for me, saying “Mommy kiss!”

I paused, uncertain how his father might handle the situation. But his dad walked right over to me and said, “Of course you can give Mommy kisses, too,” and held his son as he planted slobbery kisses on my cheek.

This is what foster care should look like.

The little boy has no hesitation in showing love for his parents in front of me, but also no concerns in showing his love for me in front of them.

He loves all of his parents and expresses it with typical toddler abandon. But can this situation be hard for the adults? Absolutely!

This boy has been in my home 100 days now. I have tucked him into bed and kissed him goodnight 100 times. For 100 days this precious little boy has called me “Mommy” and I will admit that my heart aches a little watching him run from me to his first mommy and throw himself into her arms.

And although she has never said it, I am sure that it must be unbearably hard for her to watch her son kiss me and call me “Mommy,” too. After all, she gave birth to him and raised him for two years.

I cannot imagine what it does to her to watch her son love another mother.

Nevertheless, we are all making the situation work, loving this little boy together and allowing him to love us all, too. For his sake—and for the sake of his infant sister—we are all putting our own hearts aside and focusing on what is best for the kids.

My husband and I have been fostering or parenting children adopted from foster care for 13 years. Twelve children have called us Mom and Dad, seven little foster loves who were ours for a season before going home or moving on to another family member, one “home-grown” daughter, two sons adopted from foster care and our current two babies, who are our ‘for-now’ son and daughter.

Our experience over the years has taught us a few things about building positive relationships with birth families.

Why does it matter?

In Pennsylvania, the average time a child spends in foster care is 20 months. So you are probably going to be seeing your foster child’s parents for a long time. If the case transitions to adoption, you may well be connected to these people for many years to come.

I am not saying building a positive relationship is an easy thing to do. Depending on what led to the child’s being placed in foster care, it can be really hard to smile and be friendly to your child’s birth parents.

But foster parenting is all about doing hard things, and it is really important to build the best relationship you can. The first meeting with birth parents, in fact, can set the tone for the relationship, so I think it is very important to make a good first impression.

Occasionally, however, I will hear a fellow foster parent question whether it’s important to have a good relationship with your child’s birth parents. I believe it’s vital—for the following reasons:

• Your foster child’s parents, no matter what their mistakes, are people worthy of respect, kindness and grace. I think every human is worthy of this.

• Your child loves them. I have had foster parents argue this point, saying essentially that “this is the person who neglected/hurt/hit/left/and so on the child; how could they love him or her?” Years of fostering has made me understand that, no matter parents’ mistakes, your foster child loves his or her birth parents. Children will notice how you treat these people they love.

• If your foster child is reunified with his or her family and you have had a good relationship with the birth parents, you may well get updates on how the child is doing. I think one of the hardest parts of foster care involves loving a child who leaves your home and then never hearing how the child is doing. If you can build a good rapport, the child’s parents may send you updates; it always helps me to know the kids I have loved are doing well now that they are back home.

• Although we know reunification does not happen in every case—in fact, about 25% of foster-care cases end in adoption of the child, often by the foster parents—the goal of foster care is nevertheless reunification with the birth family. So keeping all relationships positive is ultimately in the best interests of everyone, especially the child.

(And, in those instances the case moves toward termination of parental rights, birth parents may be given the option of signing for termination voluntary. Some have when they know their child is with foster parents who love them, take good care of them and are willing to adopt. If your child’s birth parents perceive you as rude to them, mean or dismissive, they are not nearly as likely to agree to a plan in which you will raise this child you love.)

Now that we have established why it is so important to build good relationships with birth parents, let’s discuss how exactly you do that!

—Eleanor Delewski, Diakon Adoption & Foster Care parent

Continued in part 2, For foster families: Building positive relationships with birth families (to be published in two weeks)