Monthly Archives: October 2019

The emotional rollercoaster of being a foster grandparent

In 2009, I was a new immigrant to the U.S. I was living with my daughter and son-in-law as I settled in my new country. At the time, they were foster-to-adopt parents, awaiting a placement of a child or children through five years of age, with the hope of eventually adopting.

I discovered that when you are registered to be a foster parent, things can happen quickly, suddenly in fact. My daughter and son-in-law were at work and I was in the house when I got a call from my daughter telling me it was highly likely two young girls would be arriving within a few hours.

My daughter and son-in-law soon came home and within a short time, a social worker arrived with the girls, ages 4 and 3. It was that quick! One moment we were a family of three, the next a family of five!

I have a lasting memory, one burned into my mind, of these two frightened little girls, standing in the kitchen, wearing very thin clothes—T-shirts, shorts and flip-flops—with a small plastic bag containing a couple of dollar-store toys in it. That was all they had.

They had literally just been removed from their home and had been given no time to bring anything else with them. If my experiences up to that point had not brought home the reality of what fostering meant, this most certainly did. It is a moment I will never forget.

Over the course of the next few days, we gradually got to know the two girls, whom I will call Sara and Vicky. They were full of questions, understandably a little scared. But my daughter and son-in-law did amazing things to make them feel at ease, answering their questions in a positive way, establishing a loving and safe environment for them and buying both of them clothes and toys.

Gradually, things settled into a routine and the girls seemed to adapt to their new environment. While I got along with both children, Sara and I seemed to hit it off especially well. Sara wanted to learn to dance but had never had the opportunity, so we bought her an outfit and some dance shoes and every week I took her to classes. I came to really enjoy our time together and remember those dance classes with great fondness.

I was more than a little shocked at how quickly it ended. Once again, it was all very sudden. It felt as if one moment they were with us, the next they were gone. (Of course, there had been weeks of pre-reunification visits, court dates and so on, but from where I stood it was as if I was a grandpa one minute and the next I wasn’t anymore.)

I saw the mixed emotions on the faces of my daughter and son-in-law. They knew the children were going back home—which, of course, is the goal of foster care!

But it was also painful as they had given these girls their love and were now saying goodbye. That caused mixed emotions in me as well, seeing what my daughter and son-in-law were going through as well as having to say goodbye to children who, in every sense, had become my grandchildren.

And just as Sara was about to walk out the door, she turned and ran to me and jumped into my arms. I will admit I had tears then and now as I think of that moment, but that also is a memory I will treasure forever.

I would love to know how the girls are today, but know that is not possible. I just hope they have as fond memories of me as I have of them. I feel it was an honor and a privilege to have been grandpa to these girls, even if only for a few months.

I have many warm memories of my first experience of being a foster grandparent. I saw the commitment of my daughter and son-in-law doing everything they could to make this a safe transition for these girls, facilitating the process of getting them reunited with their biological family. Even though they knew this arrangement was temporary, they gave their all.

My own father grew up in foster care. He spoke very little of his experience but he did say just how much his first foster mom meant to him. I never really understood that until I became a foster grandpa myself and then I was able to understand completely.

People say all the time, “I could never foster, I would get too attached.” But as a grandpa who lived in the home with his foster grandkids, I can confirm you will, in fact, get attached. You will love these kids like your own.

But, even if you have to say goodbye, it is all worth it! It is worth becoming attached to make a difference in a child’s life.

My dad spoke of his first foster mom with great fondness, even 70 years after he said goodbye to her. She was his mom for just a period of his life, but the impact of her love and care lasted an entire lifetime.

—Lester Wills

How independent living helps older adults stay socially active

My father, a pharmacist, retired in his late 50s when he sold his independent drug store. And then he went right back to work.

He did what is called “relief work,” meaning he worked a day here and a day there for other pharmacists who needed relief from the daily 9-to-9 grind.

In fact, he worked into his late 70s, by then working for a mail-order pharmacy. He wasn’t fond of computers but he liked compounding prescriptions—that is, filling capsules by hand—which a lot of younger pharmacists eschewed, a perfect match. That schedule also afforded plenty of time for travel and play with grandchildren.

For many older adults, retirement is much more than choosing senior independent-living accommodations and then spending one’s days just relaxing. For most, retirement is about staying physically active, remaining engaged within the community and learning new things. These older adults view retirement as an opportunity not only to do some part-time work—if that’s what they would like to do—but also everything they’ve always wanted to do but never had time for.

All of these pursuits lead to staying socially active—one of the best parts of independent living. In fact, being socially active has a wide range of health benefits. According to an article in Psychology Today, research outlines potential concrete benefits for older adults, including:

● Improved physical health. It’s suggested that social engagement helps to ensure a stronger immune system, helping seniors to fight off colds, the flu and, according to the article, some types of cancer.

● A longer lifespan. The article notes that those who spend more time with others and have supportive relationships—and are therefore not isolated—tend to live longer than others who are frequently alone.

To read more about the benefits of seniors being socially active, please click here.

Alzheimer’s and other cognitive issues: The importance of sharing what we learn

I am facing something a lot of people face: caring for a loved one with memory loss, often the result of Alzheimer’s disease or another form of cognitive impairment.

While I sometimes feel as if I am falling apart, I know I am not facing this situation alone. Not only do I have other family members to help, but I also have three colleagues who are either going through or have gone through similar challenges. In addition, we work for an organization that offers a range of community-based services geared to those who are 60 and older.

Am I taking this in stride? Absolutely not.

My 93-year-old aunt, who is my godmother and like my second mom, is in a nursing home with this very emotional disease. My mother, who is her 80-year-old sister, has difficulty understanding how my aunt can be suffering when she doesn’t look physically ill. Cognitive issues truly affect the entire family.

It wasn’t until my aunt turned 90 that we started to notice little things. But, like so many others, we chalked it up to age. My colleague, Susan Long, admits it was only when she insisted her mom see a neurologist that she realized the disease was worse than she had thought.

“My biggest struggle is the guilt that I didn’t insist she go earlier,” she told me.
At some point, it is difficult to explain away the memory loss.

For Susan Johns, who also works for Diakon Community Services, that situation occurred when her 90-year-old father didn’t recognize her. “That was my most devastating experience,” she remembers. “For 70 years, I was his little girl. All of a sudden, he had no idea who I was.”

Despite the difficulties we’ve experienced, we all believe we have learned things that we want to share for the benefit of families in similar situations. One thing that was particularly striking for me was how, despite knowledge that my aunt was changing, I wanted everything to remain normal.

While she still lived at home, we often made her go to birthday parties and other family gatherings with the hope she would have a good time. What we didn’t understand at the time was that these events made her more anxious. Looking back, I wish we had handled things differently.

It was only recently that we found a note she had written to herself seven years earlier after my daughter-in-law’s bridal shower. In it, she revealed that she did not know how to write her name or make the food she normally takes to events. “Something is wrong,” she wrote, offering a clear reminder for us that it is never too early to voice your concerns.

Although it was a difficult decision to move my aunt into a nursing home, we knew it was best for her as her disease progressed. However, many people may never reach that point.

My colleague Jenny Wagner and her sister shared the role of caregiver for their mother. Even though her dementia worsened during the last five years of her life, their mother lived independently with their support. Jenny’s sister checked on her throughout the day and Jenny spent weekends with her.

“It was hard in the sense that it was a long, slow goodbye,” she recalls. “You could see it happening and you were living with it. My mom always maintained a great sense of humor, making it easier for my sister and me to maintain our attitude about the whole thing.”

Despite the daily challenges of caring for our loved ones, we all have found or continue to find value in the time we’ve been given together—from deeper relationships with parents and treasured moments with a favorite relative to teaching our children respect for their elders.

—Debbie Herb, coordinator of center services for Diakon Community Services in Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania, with additional thoughts from Susan Long, program coordinator, Diakon Living & Learning; Susan Johns, APPRISE program coordinator; and Jennifer Wagner, community wellness coordinator.

In connection with the thoughts shared in this blog post, Diakon Community Services—along with Independent Living and the county Office of Senior Services—will host “Alzheimer’s and Dementia: A panel of help, hope and understanding,” from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Oct. 23 at the Pottsville Senior Community Center. The educational session is designed for individuals and families caring for a loved one with a cognitive impairment. People may register by calling (570) 624-3016.

Click here for additional information, including a list of panelists.

A pastor’s perspective on orphan care and the church

I am one of the pastors of Grace Baptist Church in Lewisberry, Pennsylvania. My wife and I have eight children—three born to us and five who are either adopted or in the process of being adopted. They span from age 7 to 20. 

Our life is crazy, but good, so good! My wife is awesome and my children are a joy! 

As individual believers, but also as the church, we have a responsibility and opportunity to take care of the fatherless. God tells us in the Old Testament (Psalm 68) that He has a special place in His heart for those who need parents, that He is the Father to the fatherless.  

And in the New Testament book of James, we read that is what “true religion is”: To care for those who cannot care for themselves, orphans.  So I ask, “What is your church doing?” and “What are you doing?” 

Let me also suggest a few potential action steps. 

1. Pray – Pray for your church and its leaders. Pray that they have wisdom in how to care for “orphans.” Pray for those you know who are either displaced children or those who minister to them through foster care and adoption. Pray that God may give you direction in how you can be involved.

2. Ask – Ask what you can do in the church to care for those who are in your sphere of influence.  Ask your church leaders if there is something more you could be doing as a church. Come to them willing to be a part of the solution. An easy thing to do is to participate in National Orphan Sunday. It is usually on Veterans Day weekend and, this year, falls on Nov. 19. (You can certainly focus on the subject another day; last year we had a pair of shoes up front on the platform for every million orphans in the world.)

There are a lot of resources available to you at https://cafo.org/orphansunday if you are interested. Also, I am sure that our friends at Diakon Adoption & Foster Care can assist you.

In the past at our church, we have had people give testimonies and also had focused times of prayer in our services. This year, we will be making some prayer cards for our people to pray for waiting kids, from adoptpakids.org. It will be in the bulletin, so that people can pray for them throughout the next year. 

We also have had different representatives from adoption organizations set up a table to answer questions and provide information

There is much that can be done! Currently, we as a church are providing a diaper subscription to a family who just took in two children in diapers. Again, ask—ask what you and your church can do.

3. Get Involved – Let me encourage you by noting that you don’t have to be perfect to get involved. God can use you right where you are. Not all are called to adopt, but we can all care and become involved at some level. I once heard a statistic that if each church would adopt one child in the U.S., that step would take care of all of the waiting children in the country. There are about 400,000 children in foster care or needing a permanent family—and about 400,000 churches. Obviously, the solution is not as simple as that, but you get the point. 

We could all become involved and do a little more to make a big difference. What are you willing to do?

—Calvin Cutting