Monthly Archives: January 2017

Connecting with birth parents – Five easy tips

Tim and I have been incredibly blessed to have a positive relationship with our son’s birth family.

In fact, the absolute best piece of advice we received in resource family training was to be friendly with birth parents. In some cases, this is probably incredibly tough to do. But in our case, a little bit has gone a long way.

I think it’s easy to see birth parents as the enemy in the foster care system. But regardless of whatever mistakes parents have made, they almost always still love their kids. It is tough to try to connect with them, but all outcomes of success include benefit for the child, so it’s worth it!

Here are a few simple ideas to break the ice and extend an olive branch to birth parents: 

1. Introduce Yourself! We learned that in six homes, we were the first family to introduce ourselves to birth parents. Imagine being a parent and not knowing who your child was staying with. Being able to meet and greet can significantly lower anxiety for both parties.

2. Start off with a deferential statement such as, “You have beautiful children.” At this point in your foster children’s lives, you are providing for all of their needs—physical, emotional and so on. Knowing that someone else is building a strong connection with your child can be very threatening for a parent. Find a way to indicate that you still acknowledge that the kids “belong” to their birth parents.

3. Ask birth parents if there is any important information you need to know to best care for their children. Birth parents want to be heard. They (like you) are at the mercy of the court system. Decisions about their child’s care have been taken out of their hands. Even if a child has been in care for a long time, a birth parent may have something he or she wants to share with you that a previous foster parent did not pick up on. If a parent does share with you something you should do to best care for their child, follow through with it if you can, and show the parents that you have listened.

4. Take photos to visits. Your home and the child’s world are unknowns to the birth parents. By printing out pictures to give at visits, you give them a glimpse into your world. This step will reinforce that the child is happy, has toys, and so on.

5. Speak well of birth parents when they are not around. If you smile and nod to birth parents at visits, but then talk poorly about them behind their back, your child will notice. Help reinforce that you, birth parents, caseworkers, and judges are all trying to work together for the child’s safety and best interest.

Building trust with birth parents can only benefit the child. By showing that you are not the enemy, you open a conversation that can result in working together for the child.

If your foster child observes you respecting his or her birth parents, the child’s trust in you will also increase.

After all—the goal of foster care is reunification. You have the power to help make that transition a positive one for children and youths by actively communicating with birth parents.

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Making learning a part of really living

When you’ve spent most of your life learning to make a living, how do you make the transition to learning for the simple sake of learning?

 

For many people older than 50, that’s a familiar situation.

 

As a result of the learning we’ve done so far, we have been able to provide for our families. But, after a certain age at which we no longer have to worry as much about making a living, or our nest is empty, we may face the question: What do we do now?

 

Some people will say retirement is about just enjoying life. After all, you’ve earned it!

 

For others, however, shifting gears is not as easy. We’ve been too busy and feel the need to remain that way.

 

So how do you begin? How best can you experience new things, meet new friends, try a hobby we have been meaning to for years or, even, share a talent we’ve gained over the years?

 

That’s the focus of an innovative program I oversee for Diakon Community Services. It’s called Diakon Living & Learning After 50.

 

For nearly a decade now, the program has offered classes in everything under the sun at sites throughout Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania—workshops on yoga, painting, writing, antiquing, eBay, dancing, scuba diving, learning a new language and a host of other topics.

 

Our class atmosphere is informal and fun, allowing people to mingle while still focused on learning or teaching.

 

During this time, I have seen many friendships blossom as a result of attending weekly exercise classes; witnessed participants create a support system or reunite with old friends or co-workers.

 

I have watched wondrous transformations, as someone stares at a blank canvas, doubt eventually overtaken by a special spark as the person creates a beautiful painting, saying “that’s something I’ve wanted to try for years.”

 

With this need in mind, we develop our courses, classes, and special events to appeal to as broad a range of interests and abilities as possible.

 

And all geared to making certain that learning remains a pivotal part of life, even if the focus is more on fun than making a living!

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